Politicians Are Roadkill On Infobahn Hair, Drinking Habits All Fair Game

The 1996 presidential campaign has spawned a host of political humor sites along the Internet, and no one is spared the slings and arrows of these outrageous cyberspace satirists.

Little of the humor you will find along the Infobahn resembles the wit and wisdom of Will Rogers, however.

But occasionally, you will stumble upon a World Wide Web site that recalls the more memorable moments of “Saturday Night Live” or some of the less juvenile monologues of David Letterman or Jay Leno.

And in keeping with the democratic spirit of the Internet, there are a lot of opportunities for you, the voter, to register your opinions on such burning issues as:

Whose hair is the most presidential? The results from the “Destination D.C.” home page (http://www.netrunner.net/barak/dc/home.html) - 57 percent Bob Dole, 37 percent Bill Clinton, 19 percent Bruce Willis, 13 percent Don King.

Postelection White House jobs for Dole even if he loses - The “Daily Muse” (http://www.cais.com/aschnedr/muse.htm) is asking your opinion on Dole as national drug czar, as Chelsea’s moral compass, as ambassador to Iraq, as Al Gore’s stiff stand-in.

Who would win a drinking contest between Ted Kennedy and Boris Yeltsin? Visitors to the “Official Ted Kennedy Whipping Post” (http://www.shore.net/ djn/kennedy.html) voted 671-451 in favor of Yeltsin, heart problems and all.

If you just don’t like either Clinton or Dole, you can visit presidential campaign home pages for:

David Letterman (http:/ /www.netcom.com/afounta/dave.html) - Among the top 10 reasons he should be elected, “Unlike Clinton, he doesn’t have a wife who wants his job,” and “Unlike Dole, he wasn’t alive during the first administration.”

“Beavis For President” (http://expert.cc.purdue.edu/rsmith7/ pres.html) - “He isn’t like the other suck candidates.”

Fidel Castro (http://www.imagesmith.com/imagesmith/fidel/) - “Send a real revolution to Washington” - the “ultimate Washington outsider.”

Of course, if you just want to work off some frustrations, you can, if you are a liberal Democrat, visit the “Punch Rush Limbaugh” (http:/ /www.indirect.com/www/beetle87/ rush/index.html) site and keep clicking on Rush’s face until it is a bloody pulp.

Or, if you are a conservative Republican, you can go to Hillary’s Hair Salon (http://hillaryshair.com) and design the first lady’s next hairstyle, perhaps a Sinead O’Connor look.