Making Manly Tacoma Florist Sets Standard For Guy Behavior

Note to national hero Scott O’Grady: The Order of Manly Men wants you. “We want somebody to be grand marshal of next year’s Manly Men parade,” says R.M. “Bob” Crane, founder and president for life of the Tacoma-based organization that celebrates all things Manly.

O’Grady qualifies on all counts. Anyone who has drunk water strained from his dirty socks is familiar with such traditionally Manly things as red meat and pickups and such traditional pursuits as camping, smoking cigars, pursuing women who ride Harleys, eating Spam and making rude noises with your armpits.

Excuse me, forget that last one. Don’t mistake Manly Men with that other masculine-oriented group, Pigly Men.

“We have more class than that,” insists Crane, owner of four Tacoma floral shops and a real Manly Man to boot. (The R.M. of his name stands for Robert Marshall, “But it could stand for Real Manly,” he says.)

Sure, there have been times, when, following a meal of scorched steak, the roar of passed gas has drowned out the Manly Men after-dinner campfire conversation. Still, Manly Men don’t act this way intentionally.

“Although we have been known to be gross and disgusting,” says Crane, “that’s not what we do.”

You’ve probably already heard of Crane and his Manly organization. After last June’s inaugural Manly Man Parade and Spam Festival in lovely downtown Roslyn, where some 250 entrants rode down the one-block main drag on everything Manly from lawn mowers to Jeeps, the media were as thick as flies on Spam.

From CNN to the Seattle Times, stories celebrated the musk-heavy events that surrounded the parade and its associated events.

There was, for example, the toolbelt competition, which was won by an Ellensburg woman. “Actually, I don’t think she looked Manly,” Crane says, “but for whatever reason she had more stuff on her belt.”

There was a Spam cookoff, featuring such dishes as Spam muffins, Spam frittatas and Spam shooters (think oysters). There was the scotch-sippin’, stump-sittin’, cigar-smokin’ seminar, led by a genuine Texan. There was the crowning of the Spam queen and her court of Spam princesses.

And, of course, there was the parade, which featured veterans and flags, the mayors of Cle Elum and Roslyn (“They were in Jeeps and they had guns,” says Crane), an antique fire truck, a Bud Lite beer truck, various pickups, old cars and at least one go-kart. Also, some 35 Harleys, one giant Spam can and several little boys wearing oversized Spam-can facsimiles.

Mixed in was the lineup belonging to the Order of Manly Men, members of which entertained themselves by stopping every several steps to flex their muscles at the crowd.

A crowd estimated to be 1,000 strong.

“It was totally awesome,” Crane says, recalling that the event’s humble origin involved several hundred fewer people. You have to go back five years for that, during a summer weekend in which Crane, his brother-in-law and several buddies decided to go camping, “No girls allowed.”

“The wives kind of razzed us about being Manly Men and we thought, ‘Yes, we’re pretty darned Manly.’ And then we got out in the woods, and we knew we were Manly.”

How so? “You could just tell. After two days, you smell.”

That camping trip turned into an annual outing. Crane, believing he was onto something, hatched the idea for the Order of Manly Men and began selling memberships. Each membership, at $20 a pop, entitles men to an “authentic” Order of the Manly Men certificate, an identity gold card and either a coffee mug or beer stein emblazoned with the Order’s gold crest.

You can also order T-shirts, baseball caps and other assorted merchandise - including jock straps in black or white.

“The black is for evening wear,” Crane explains.

Over the years, Crane developed a relationship with Hormel, makers of Spam, which sent him a few T-shirts that he uses for prizes at such competitions as the three-hole rock golf tournament, the blow-gun championship and, of course, the Biker Chick Pickup and Photo Opportunity.

As for the political correctness police, Crane is quick to point out that his point simply is to lampoon cultural attitudes and have some fun.

“This whole thing is tongue in cheek,” he says. “Ninety-nine percent of the people understand it for what it is: a joke.”

Still, he has about 1,600 paid members. And more are calling all the time, ordering merchandise and inquiring about the date for the Second Annual Parade.

So, Capt. O’Grady and all you other Manly wannabes, consider attending. Consider being a certified Manly Man. To do so, all you have to do is call (800) 99-MANLY.

Remember: Manly Men wants you.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Molly Quinn