Part Of Adulthood Is Learning About Grief, Death

‘Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.” Sophocles Dear Jennifer: My sister, with whom I am close, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am writing to you for suggestions on how to best deal with this - both for myself and for her. Ideas on reading material or anything else will be appreciated.

Thank you, Joyce

Dear Joyce: As we age, our troubles take a different turn. Where we once faced family conflicts that seemed more important than anything else, we now face the death of family members. Some of us have already lost close friends, parents or siblings. One of the assignments of middle age is to learn more about grief, the caretaking of those we love, and our own dying.

The first assignment is to understand the grief process and the tremendous energy it will take (we’ll send you information on the grief process).

You can only offer your sister real comfort when your mind and heart are clear. Put your own house in order by signing a will as well as a living will. Let your closest friends and relatives know exactly what your wishes are and put it in writing. Re-evaluate your life and make sure you have cleared as many conflicts as possible and that you are, within the bounds of reality, living the way you want to live.

Recognize that the process of your sister’s illness will take a lot of time and energy from you. She needs to feel that she is not a burden, but a choice. Rearrange your life so that your time and energy are available. Don’t try to add caretaking to an already loaded schedule; let go of what can wait.

Your assignment with your sister is to be a companion, as needed, on a difficult journey. Ask her if there are any practical matters (will, guardianship, living arrangements …) that she wants to change. Are there conflicts she wants to resolve so she will be free to concentrate on her own time and energy? Don’t arrange the resolution of conflicts if your sister is not interested. It is not her duty to make everyone else feel better.

Talk with her about what she wishes she had time for, and find ways to meet those wishes. An acquaintance of mine immediately bought tickets for a trip to Ireland. Does your sister want to create a “family book” for her children to pass on with photos and beliefs and even jokes, since she will not be there? Does she want to record some of her favorite children’s books on tape? One of my friends recorded her own eulogy on video. It was both hilarious and uniquely comforting when we played it at the memorial service.

I helped a friend write a book on what she had learned during her life and as she approached her death. Does your sister want to leave a legacy? Not everyone thinks in those terms. Talk with her about what is hardest for her and what she is most afraid of and work together on solutions for those fears.

With her guidance, work with your sister’s family and friends on who needs what attention. Make sure they are comfortable with your presence. You have to walk a careful line and checking with them on a regular basis is important. If there are children, find ways to give them both an understanding of death and the grief process and activities that keep their mind on their own future. Ask them to keep a journal they can share with their mother. Encourage them to ask her all their questions rather than being afraid to trouble her.

Make a collage of her life with the children (pictures, events, comments) and put it in her room where she can enjoy it. I have had two friends who found this very valuable because it gave them perspective. They could see they had done a lot and that there had been good times. One young granddaughter wrote stories to be put in a book for the journey to death. Some of my friend’s best moments with this child were discussing “What would you need to know?” It became a sweet game.

I have found the greatest needs near the end are for listening and touching. People who are dying often have things they want to say. One close friend reminded a visiting couple gently about love when he heard them criticize each other. He had only three more days to live, yet he noticed the relationships of everyone around him and asked them to be kind. He didn’t want to talk about his pain or his problems; he wanted to talk about what was happening in the world and in their lives. In death, too much centers on the ever-narrowing subjects of illness and comfort.

Control of pain is vital, but touching and holding are bedrock needs for someone who is dying. Too many of us shy away, perhaps in fear of causing pain. I held one dying friend because his own family could not. Longer visits where you just rest together, hold her or touch her may become more important than conversation.

In the midst of this sad time, your sister is giving you a gift. You will deepen your own life and ease your own death through your time with her. Age, while seemingly important, has not been the key in the hardness of the deaths I have shared. What has always made the difference was the acceptance and participation of others in the dying process.

I learned how to die from my mother-in-law. On her last night, she lay in her nursing home bed, making jokes with a son on each side holding her hand. We heard her laughter almost until the moment of her death.

Jennifer

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review