Don’t Ignore Pain Of Abandonment

Dear Ann Landers: I recently saw two interviews on TV that prompted me to write about the effect of parental abandonment on children, a subject I know a lot about. When my oldest son, “Bob,” was only 9 months old, I divorced his father because of his perpetual infidelity and unemployment. He made no child support payments and never contacted us again. At the time, I believed my love for my son would be enough and it wouldn’t matter that his father had dropped out of his life.

Bob’s problems began in high school with heavy drinking, fighting, failing grades and depression. We went to counseling together, which revealed that the root of his explosive anger was his sense of abandonment by his father. Bob refused to talk about this because it was too painful.

One of the TV interviews I mentioned was with the comic Rodney Dangerfield, who said his father was never around and quickly added that he didn’t want to talk about it further because it was too difficult. At 74, he still feels the sting of abandonment.

The other interview was with NBA star Dennis Rodman. When asked about his explosive temper, he said he didn’t believe he had any behavioral problems. It was like watching my teenage son - the same denial and anger. I learned in reading about Dennis that his father was never around and his mother had to raise him alone.

I hope schoolteachers, parents, coaches and others will realize when dealing with problem students that parental abandonment can have a profound negative impact, no matter how good a job the remaining parent does. If I had known this many years ago, I might have handled Bob’s problems better. - K.S.

Dear K.S.: Thank you for a letter that is sure to help parents understand the ramifications of abandoning a child.

Here’s an update on NBA star Dennis Rodman. His father, whom he had not seen since he was 2 years old, came to Chicago to watch his son play a few weeks ago. Dennis did exceptionally well that night but refused to meet with his father. Too bad. It could have been the beginning of the healing process, which would have benefited all concerned.

Dear Ann Landers: Your advice to “K.C. in Washington” about handling her argumentative parents was only partly useful. I, too, had argumentative parents. They were fine parents but not very good friends to each other.

Growing up, I had no control over their behavior, but once I married and had children of my own, things changed. When my 6-year-old daughter told me she gets upset when she sees her grandparents fight, I knew it was time to get involved.

I spoke to my parents on the phone and said, “By the way, there’s something I need to say to you both. I’m tired of the way you two argue constantly, even in public. It bothered me as a child, and now it is bothering my kids. From now on, when you are in my home, you will not argue, you will not be unkind to one another, and you will respect the peace of my house. Is that clear?”

I was terrified, but I stood my ground. Things have improved dramatically since then, and our visits are much more enjoyable. - Found Peace in Richmond, Va.

Dear Richmond: A million thanks for writing. Your letter is going to encourage others whose parents bicker and quarrel to speak up and say, “No more of this will be tolerated. Our children don’t see battling in our home, and we don’t want them to see it from you. Thank you very much.” That should do it.