Martyr’s Cause Is Unstoppable

Dear Ann Landers: Our 22-year-old daughter is a beautiful, loving and religious person who recently completed her training as a physical therapist. Much to our dismay, she has announced that she is in love and planning to marry her first patient. The man is 20 years her senior and bedridden. Even after years of physical therapy, the best he can hope for is a wheelchair. He will never walk.

We have tried to explain to “Dolores” that patients sometimes transfer feelings of gratitude and hero worship, which are mistaken for love, to their nurses and doctors. She does not believe this and insists that compassion is as strong a bond as love. Moreover, she is convinced that God gave her to this man as a gift and whatever sacrifices she must make are “the will of the Lord.” We respect her religious views but fear that she is turning herself into a martyr.

This man has suffered terribly and considers Dolores a “miracle” that has enhanced his sad existence enormously. I know we should keep quiet and let her live her life - mistakes and all - but we grieve for her lost youth and the years of difficulty that lie ahead. Please advise us. - Heartbroken in Orlando

Dear Orlando: There is little that can be done to counteract the “martyr complex.” These individuals are compelled to sacrifice themselves for what they perceive as a noble cause. Trying to talk them out of it is an exercise in futility.

There’s always the chance that this really is love. Pull back, say no more and be there for her when reality sets in. Dolores is going to need a lot of support in the days ahead, and it will be up to you to provide it.

Dear Ann Landers: This is in reply to a letter you received from a mother who said she was tired of yelling at her kids to pick up after themselves. Nothing is accomplished by yelling except a sore throat and frazzled nerves.

I am a 73-year-old grandmother with an excellent memory. I raised two sons alone. Their father was one of those famous “deadbeat dads.” I supported my children without help from the state or federal government. By the time my sons were 10 years old, they had to clean their rooms, put everything away in its proper place, clean the floor and change the sheets every Saturday morning. If everything was done properly by noon, they got to go to the movies or whatever. If not, they helped me with the rest of the cleaning and did yard work.

There is a simple way to deal with children effectively. Let them know exactly what you expect of them. Yelling is not the answer. It accomplishes nothing. Taking away privileges is what works. Take my word for it. I’ve been there. - H.T.B. in Encinitas, Calif.

Dear H.T.B.: Your words of wisdom deserve to be taped on refrigerator doors in every home where children from 5 years of age through 18 reside. They are inclined to be “mother-deaf” until they hear something that jeopardizes their social life. Being grounded is the most effective way to get teens to shape up. I recommend it.

My laugh for the day (Credit Dick E. Bird): A father answered the phone when his daughter’s boyfriend called. “No, this is not Dreamboat,” he said, “This is the Supply Ship.”

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