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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Self-Worth Challenged Because Of Past Incest

Ladies' Home Journal

“When I was about 10 years old, my older brother Willy, whom I adored, began an incestuous relationship with me,” says Amanda, 44, who works long hours in her husband Bruce’s law office. “At first, the episodes were confined to just touching, but after a few months, we had intercourse. It was terrifying and painful.” Though Amanda knew what she and Willy were doing was wrong, she felt powerless to say no. “And in a crazy way, I started to blame myself. I figured I must be the bad one.” She was too frightened to tell her mother.

Today, Amanda has no contact with Willy, but she feels just as powerless in her 15-year marriage - and just as guilty admitting it. “I should be happy. Bruce’s law practice is successful, we have two beautiful sons,” she says, trying to reassure herself. What’s more, in many ways, Amanda loves working with Bruce - he’s given her a chance to prove herself professionally. “But this arrangement was supposed to be temporary,” she says. “Instead, it’s lasted five years and has been devastating for our marriage and our family.”

According to Amanda, she and her husband battle at the office and at home.

Often out of the blue, an overpowering rage wells up inside her and Amanda finds herself lashing out at everyone. “I feel controlled and overpowered by Bruce,” she says softly.

Bruce, 49, has no idea what’s wrong. “For a long time now, Amanda has been acting like a crazy person with these bursts of anger that spring from nowhere,” he reports. “It reminds me of the way my mother would rage on and on, criticizing everything I did. Instinctively, I pull back. But control her? That’s nonsense.”

Bruce takes pride in his ability to be a supportive husband, attending to his wife’s needs and respectful of her feelings. But Bruce agrees that their home is a battlefield - and he’s tired of skirting the land mines.

The Legacy of Incest

“Clearly, Amanda’s life has been heavily colored by her relationship with Willy. Though she knew what was happening was wrong, like many incest victims she felt she had no choice,” explains Susan Heitler, a psychologist in Denver, Colo. “However, the legacy of an incestuous relationship is long and tortured.”

Despite her many successes in life, Amanda grew up with an abiding sense of self-loathing. Humiliated by her secret past, she carried a pervasive sense of unworthiness into adulthood, long past any awareness of its initial cause.

On an unconscious level, Amanda was replicating the incestuous relationship with Bruce. By devoting herself to his success, and serving his needs at the expense of her own, she was, without realizing it, making the same deal with Bruce that she had with Willy.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, an estimated 40 percent of women and 20 percent of men have suffered some form of childhood sexual trauma. Keep in mind that incest survivors are frequently misdiagnosed because what looks like chronic depression or even psychosis may actually be a reliving of that early trauma. Symptoms vary but include: prolonged depression, anxiety, free-floating rage, amnesia, addiction to drugs or alcohol. Still, doctors are learning more and more about treating the trauma and how to recognize it. Here are some red flags that should alert you to see a trained professional.

Sexual dysfunction or and inability to be intimate with someone you love. Sex, or even nonsexual closeness can trigger intense feelings of rage and fear.

An extreme sense of helplessness and powerlessness.

Symptoms that have no apparent physical cause. Experts believe the incest survivors may repeat the trauma done to their body in an attempt to can gain mastery over their experience. They may have unexplained accidents, numbness or pain that cannot be linked to an organic problem.

Eating disorders may provide a way for victims to avoid traumatic memories. Drugs and alcohol can also temporarily dull the mind and help suppress emerging memories.

Amanda no longer works in Bruce’s office; spending more time with her sons has been enormously healing for her. More importantly, she and Bruce have carved out a new, more balanced relationship, regularly making time for each other during the day to report on what’s happened and share their feelings.