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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Terminal Spoilage Began At The Core

Mike Barnicle The Boston Globe

Once upon a time there was a computer company named Apple. It was a huge success because it produced great machines that absolute morons could use and feel smart about themselves.

Apple was created by a bunch of brainy nerds who sat around a garage and dreamt of inventing a typewriter that could think. After all, nobody was afraid of a typewriter, but the word “computer” made people assume brain surgery was easier.

They did it: They devised a truly customer-friendly machine. All you had to do was turn it on. That was just about the biggest challenge with an Apple computer.

It told you when to write. It told you when to draw. It asked if you wanted to erase something or trash an item.

It was a beautiful thing. A computer for normal people. A computer that didn’t laugh at you. A computer that did a few basic things well and made it impossible to screw up and spend a whole day skulking around like a dope.

Then, some corporate clowns stole Apple from the whiz kids in the garage and decided to do something unusual: Ruin the entire company.

Well, they succeeded big time. Today, as a huge MacWorld convention begins in Boston, Apple is nearly extinct.

It is at the edge of existence for a lot of reasons. First, some cement-head hired from Pepsi decided Apple was so great it didn’t have to make its technology compatible with other computers because foolish start-up operations like Microsoft were pathetic pretenders and would soon die.

The stupid soft drink guy was succeeded by someone with a funny name who was afraid to emerge from his office as long as the stock market was open. After he got fired, the Apple board of directors ran right out and got somebody else with a weird name and a narrow perspective.

In a way, Apple is kind of like Congress. Incumbency and seniority ensure that most politicians walk around with no clue about ordinary life. And the paranoia within MacWorld seems to have spawned a series of brain-dead executives with no idea about what people want in a computer.

It’s amazing, too, because Apple still makes the easiest, most functional products in the world. It just can’t get them into stores, explain them properly or let customers know why they’d be better off with an Apple rather than another computer that supposedly can do your banking, connect you to the Mir spacecraft, play music, shop for groceries, provide sexual satisfaction and raise your children.

Except you can’t use it unless you are a descendant of J. Robert Oppenheimer or Albert Einstein.

These other computers come with instruction books thicker than the Baseball Encyclopedia. To use Windows, you have to belong to Mensa.

As you may have guessed, I love Apple. I love it because I am stupid, impatient, and all other computers make my hair hurt.

Besides, I don’t want a computer to be a bank. I don’t want to make phone calls on my PowerBook. I don’t want to use it to watch cartoons, get plane reservations, order groceries or establish a dialogue with chicks who have great gams. … (Oh my God! I’m so sorry; that was a momentary lapse caused by computer fatigue from the big system here at the Globe.)

The foolish promises made by these other companies are ludicrous because as long as houses have front doors, people are going to go out to seek other human beings.

A majority of Americans cannot even program a VCR. So why would anyone want to own anything so tough to use it can make top scientists at NASA completely bonkers?

Unfortunately, Apple’s brain trust is so pathetic the whole company is now on life support. It makes you wonder: How can these nitwits still draw a paycheck when they took the only computer that didn’t frighten people while getting the job done and turned it into the technological equivalent of the 1997 Red Sox bullpen?

Don’t e-mail any answers, either. It’s all too complicated for a peabrain like me to comprehend.