Cornucopia Of Political Correctness

A few days after Mattel launched “Share A Smile Becky” - Barbie’s new handicapped friend - activists for the disabled complained that Barbie’s Dream House was inaccessible to Becky’s sporty purple wheelchair. A spokesman for Mattel said the company was looking into redesigning the two-story pink mansion so Becky can visit without being made to roll around to the house’s wall-less backside (and don’t forget to install those grip bars in the hot tub, either!). Rush Limbaugh has suggested that Mattel create a “Pro Bono Ken” to represent Becky in a lawsuit against Barbie under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Still, as the Mattel spokesman rather defensively pointed out, when you’re attempting to “bring these things into the mainstream” there are always going to be critics. And Share A Smile Becky is indeed a beautiful role model for the physically challenged: great figure, great hair, great face, and a great attitude. Here are some other role model Barbies that Mattel ought to consider:

Battered Wife Barbie: “Debbie” will come with removable bruises, cuts, and scars as well as a list of excuses for why she won’t leave her husband. Instead of a dream home, Mattel will offer a cheerfully painted Just Like Mom’s Battered-Women’s Shelter where Debbie can periodically visit after a fight with “Abusive Husband Ken.” This new Ken doll will come complete with fiveo’clock shadow, a case of beer and a list of self-serving reasons for his violent rages.

Bomber Pilot-Adulteress Barbie: “Kerry,” the first Barbie to fly a B-52, will be quite a role model for girls aspiring to a career in the military. Accessories for Kerry will include a pink-and-turquoise B-52, as well as a matching bomber pilot uniform and an assortment of slinky lingerie, for her romantic trysts with the husbands of enlisted women. Unlike regular Barbies, Kerry will have changeable facial expressions - “tough and determined” when flying, “sultry” when trysting, and “teary-eyed” when defending herself on “Sixty Minutes.”

Homeless Barbie: Guaranteed to develop your child’s compassionate side, “Marnie” will be the only Barbie with body odor. Carrying a tiny bottle of booze in a paper bag and pushing a shopping cart full of dirty, discarded Barbie clothes, objects, and plastic food, Marnie - with the pull of a string - will mumble obscenities and shout at passers-by.

Bulimic Barbie: “Tracy” will have fingers that can be stuck down an opening in her smiling mouth. She will come with cardboard laxatives and diuretics, fashion magazines for her to obsess over, several bags of chips, and removable padding to reflect her fluctuating weight. The new “Therapist Ken” will help Tracy to deal with her “issues.” In one group-therapy session, Tracy will meet her new best friend, “Super Obese Denise,” the first fat Barbie. Denise will have no removable padding because, thanks to Therapist Ken, she will learn valuable lessons in self-esteem and accept her fatness as part of who she is.

Radical Lesbian Feminist Barbie: To keep your little girl’s mind thoroughly open, buy her nose-ringed, butch-haired, badly dressed “Jan.” Jan will be the only Barbie who doesn’t smile. Instead, she will come with a miniature “Keep Abortion Legal” picket sign, and work as a volunteer in the Just Like Mom’s Battered-Women’s Shelter, where she’ll help Debbie (see above) understand Ken’s role in the patriarchy. Then, when market testing shows the “mainstream” to be ready, Mattel will launch Jan’s cat-loving girlfriend “Mira,” who will come with five insertable in-vitro treatments so she and Jan can practice family values.

And speaking of “Pro Bono Ken,” why be sexist? Why doesn’t Mattel create “Marcia,” a working mother and attorney, to represent Debbie (when she finally presses charges against her husband), Kerry (when she fights her court-martial), Marnie (when she fights for her right to live outside of a mental institution), Tracy (when she sues Calvin Klein for causing her eating disorder), Denise (when she joins a class-action lawsuit against the airlines for not having wide enough seats), and Jan (when she takes her claim to share in her lover’s health insurance all the way to the Supreme Court)?

As Mattel will discover, the possibilities are truly endless.

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