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Cheap Seats

An expensive lesson

Gil LeBreton of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram recalls his favorite Ben Hogan story:

“In his quest to win a Grand Slam, Masters champion Nick Faldo reportedly chartered a private jet at no small expense and flew to Fort Worth for a personal audience with the great Hogan.

“Once there … Faldo asked Hogan to share the secret for winning the U.S. Open.

“‘Shoot the lowest score,’ Hogan barked back.

“End of pilgrimage.”

The worm goes Hollywood

It had to happen.

Dennis Rodman’s life story will be turned into a made-for-television movie by ABC, though Rodman will not be playing himself.

That distinction goes to Dwayne Adway. Rodman will get his moment, however, as he will introduce the movie and comment periodically on the events depicted.

That oughta have the censors a little jumpy.

They act up even in retirement

Charles Haley, the former clown prince of the Dallas Cowboys and the only player ever to win five Super Bowls, paid a visit to his former team’s training camp Sunday.

Now acting as an adviser in the wake of his retirement last month, he was still the same old Haley.

At the outset of Sunday morning’s workout, he had everyone laughing after sneaking up behind stone-faced offensive coordinator Ernie Zampese and pulling down his shorts in the middle of the practice field.

Sounds like another lawsuit in Cowboy land.

Banks not pardoned for on-field Felony

St. Louis Rams coach Dick Vermeil, returning to the NFL after a 15-year absence, is learning things have changed.

Take his quarterback, Tony Banks. He wanted to bring a Rottweiler puppy, Felony, to camp. In Vermeil’s day, quarterbacks didn’t name dogs after criminal classifications, nor did they bring them to camp.

“Tony doesn’t need the distraction,” said Vermeil, banishing the puppy.

“I don’t want them thinking I’m concentrating on anything but football,” said Banks, “so I’m taking her home, even though she’s not going to know me when I get back.”

With the Rams offensive line, it’s likely nobody will recognize him by the end of the season.

Fortunately he’s not counting laps

Buddy Barnes, a spotter for Jeremy Mayfield’s Winston Cup race car, spelled out the importance of a spotter, who sits in the stands and tells his driver via radio what’s happening on the track, as “40 percent eyes, 40 percent coach, 15 percent inspirator and 10 percent perspirator, or chief worrier.”

Told that it added up to 105 percent, Barnes said, “Well, you have to include sales tax, I guess.”

The last word …

“Some guys are really bad golfers but think they’re Greg Norman so they buy balata. Our best-selling ball should be a cheap rock.”

- Peter McDonald, a golf instructor in Westchester Country Club in Harrison, N.Y.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo