Cheap Seats

My money talks louder than yours

Bob Clarke, general manager of the Philadelphia Flyers, doesn’t hold back his feelings about the New York Rangers offering $21 million to free agent Joe Sakic of the Colorado Avalanche.

“The New York Rangers are vultures,” he said. “They look at an opposing team and know it can’t match their money. This has nothing to do with intelligence. It doesn’t take intelligence to know Joe Sakic is a great player. It just means you have to have more money.”

Except that the vultures were buried by an Avalanche of cash when Colorado matched the offer.

Laughter was best medicine

Rex Barney, the former major-league pitcher who was an institution as the Baltimore Orioles’ P.A. announcer for the past 23 years, had a fastball that was compared to Bob Feller’s.

But of his six big-league seasons, only once did Barney, who died Aug. 12 at age 72, strike out more batters than he walked. That was in 1948, the year he finally put it all together for one magnificent summer, winning 15 games including his crowning moment, a no-hitter against the Giants on Sept. 9.

Two years later he was back in the minor leagues, an eternal enigma to all who tried to help him find the strike zone.

But he didn’t become a “why me?” sulker. Whenever he would talk about himself, it was in his typical self-effacing way.

Typical of Barney was a remark he made a few years ago to longtime major-league TV executive Tom Villante. Shortly after Barney’s leg had been partially amputated, Villante called him to wish him well.

“Don’t worry about me,” Barney said. “Hopefully, with my leg shortened, this will help me get my control back.”

Years after he had a stroke in 1983, he loved to joke that Billy Martin caused it. “I was up all night with Billy the night before. I should have known better than to try and keep up with him.”

Similarly, when by pure chance he came face-to-face with his all-time idol, Gen. George Patton, while roaming the advance positions in Germany as a tank commander in World War II, he was not without a quip. Patton, who came riding up in a Jeep, shouted to Barney: “Where’s the front, Sergeant?”

“General,” replied Barney, “the front of this tank is the front.” To which Patton, according to Barney, abruptly turned his Jeep around and retorted: “That’s too damn close for me! Carry on!”

Can I putt out, officer?

Steve Serino, putting for a birdie during the New Hampshire State Amateur golf tournament, was arrested by two policemen on charges he had led police on a high-speed chase.

Serino says he asked, “Does that mean I can’t finish this putt?”

Police said he could return if he posted bail, but the tournament director disqualified him, even though Serino’s sister came up with the required $400.

Police said they issued an arrest warrant for Serino on June 10 but couldn’t find him - until one of the officers who had pursued him spotted his name in the sports section.

The last word …

“You see, I not only wanted to be A.J. Foyt, I wanted to be Marilyn Monroe.”

- J.T. Hayes, a former midget and sprint car racer, who underwent a sex change and is now Terri O’Connell, 35.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo