Change Behavior; Shake Things Up

“When I walked into the den, Seth was scribbling on a scratch pad, but he quickly covered the paper with his hand,” says Marian, 31, an overweight woman wearing a caftan that barely concealed her 200-pound frame

“As usual, I was hurt by his secretiveness. For 13 years, Seth has kept his feelings to himself, and I never had the nerve to pry.”

But later that night, after her husband had gone to sleep, once again without saying a word or kissing her goodnight, Marian picked up the crumpled piece of paper and read it.

“It was a poem he’d written to Susie, his secretary at work. “He described her as ‘lithe as a willow beside a lake,’ ” a description that wounded Marian deeply and convinced her she’s to blame for their troubled marriage.

“Though I’ve started countless diets, I could never stick to a single one. I’m disgusted with myself and clearly about to lose the only man who ever expressed any interest in me.”

When Marian asked Seth about the poem, he insisted it was only a joke and denied being unhappy, only to flip-flop the next day and tell her his life was intolerable, and they should take a break from each other.

Though he has a secure job in the auditing department of a large insurance company, he’s never been very stimulated by his work. To bring in extra money, Seth also does bookkeeping for a local contractor.

“I know he’s burned out, and I want to help, but I’m afraid it might be too late,” says Marian. Even her announcement that she intended to go back to work didn’t have an impact on Seth.

While Seth slips further into his self-imposed silence, Marian is convinced he intends to file for divorce: “But every time I try to engage him in conversation, he jerks away as if he’s been stung by an insect,” she reports.

Thirty-five-year-old Seth, taciturn and depressed, doesn’t know how to tell his wife what’s bothering him.

“If we disagree in the slightest or if I sound critical, she starts to cry, and we wind up in an argument. She wins and I lose. Or else I walk out with nothing settled,” Seth says.

“Marian used to ask me if I thought she was overweight, and when I’d tell her the truth, she’d burst into tears,” he recalls.

“Marian’s just like my mother.”

Seth’s mother kept him in line with tears, hysterics and emotional fireworks and Marian’s behavior is similar.

Do Something - Anything - Differently

“These two married young with little knowledge of each other (and they obviously acquired little in the 13 years they’ve been together),” notes Michelle Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage therapist in Woodstock, Ill. What’s more, because of their upbringing, they settled into a pattern of relating to each other that allowed for no free exchange of feelings or ideas.

Are you and your partner stuck in a similar no-win pattern of miscommunication, yet feel trapped in old habits that seem impossibly difficult to break? Weiner-Davis often suggests that couples in this situation need to “Do a 180” - her term for doing the exact opposite of what you have been doing. Often, this unexpected shift in behavior stuns your partner into thinking and responding differently.

Here’ how it works:

Describe in your own words the problem you want to solve.

Marian wanted Seth to talk to her about his feelings, his hopes, his work and his plans for the future.

Assess how you have been trying to solve this problem up to now.

Marian realized that she’d really been doing little but silently hoping that her recalcitrant husband would open up. Instead of taking an active part in beginning and sustaining communication, she’d been trying to read his mind, anticipate his moods and guess what might make him happier.

Consider what your partner would least expect you to do in any given situation.

What’s your partner’s biggest complaint? How does he describe what you do? That’s often what you need to change.

Marian’s begun an exercise program that will not only help curb her appetite but reduce the stress and anxiety that triggers her overeating.

Seth was surprised and wary at first, but ultimately delighted to see his clingy, weepy wife transformed into a more confident and independent woman.