In The Holiday Swing With Christmas Just Around The Corner, Dave Barry Offers A Few Ideas From His Holiday Gift Guide

One of my happiest childhood memories is of racing down the stairs on Christmas morning to see what Santa Claus had brought. It felt like a dream. In fact, it was a dream, because I lived in a ranch-style home that did not have stairs.

When I woke up, I would race horizontally into the living room to see what Santa had brought. Sometimes Santa brought a shiny new bicycle with many shiny new unassembled parts lying on the floor where my father had abandoned them at 4:30 a.m. after giving up on trying to understand the instructions (STEP 143: Insert 3/16” hexagonal toggle truncheon clockwise into camber gasket and tighten mortise nut until your hand bleeds).

Sometimes Santa brought me a model-airplane kit consisting of a tube of cement and 576,000 plastic parts, every single one labeled “strut.” It took a lot of time and patience, but if you followed the directions carefully, you could assemble these parts into an incredibly detailed, realistic-looking plane that seemed ready to soar into the sky. Notice I say you could do this. I always ended up with what looked like a large mutant dung beetle, permanently bonded to my desk by lumps of dried cement the size of walnuts.

Sometimes Santa brought me an electric train set. I’d put it together and watch as the train went around the track, around and around and around and around and around. Ha ha! What fun! My trains gave me endless hours of pleasure for maybe 20 minutes, after which it was time to conduct scientific experiments to resolve such important questions as: What happens if the train is rolling down the track and a bowling ball is rolling in the opposite direction? (Answer: Bad things.)

Over the years, Santa brought me many wonderful gifts - gifts that I remembered long after I broke them, which generally happened before my parents woke up. Yes, the right gift can create a memory that lasts a lifetime, and that is what the annual Holiday Gift Guide is all about: Gifts that trigger a very special, very strong feeling in the recipient - a feeling that is almost impossible to describe; a feeling that will not go away even if the recipient undergoes electroshock therapy.

Each year, I and my staff here at the Holiday Gift Guide receive hundreds of gift suggestions from around the nation. We comb through these suggestions carefully, looking for gift ideas that are tasteful, attractive or useful. We burn these with a blowtorch. Then we comb through the remaining ones and carefully select the few items that meet the strict Holiday Gift Guide standards, which are:

1. The item must be an actual product that some company, possibly as a result of heavy narcotics usage among upper management, believes somebody would actually buy.

2. The item must have arrived here at the Holiday Gift Guide Testing Center in time to undergo our rigorous Quality Control Procedure, which consists of taking a picture of the item.

Big Fake Rock Satellite-Dish Hiding Device

$159 plus shipping and handling from Rock, On Inc., 4928 Abshier Blvd., Belleview, Fla. 34420, phone (800) 543-5102, (352) 237-8334, fax (352) 816-2535.

(Suggested by Cheryl McCathran of Berne, N.Y.)

Let’s say you bought one of those new satellite dishes, so that instead of being limited to just a few dozen crappy TV programs, you can now choose among literally hundreds of crappy TV programs. But let’s say that you’re afraid your dish might be stolen; or that your local homeowners’ association has a rule against satellite dishes; or that your next-door neighbor doesn’t like the way it looks. What can you do?

We put that question to the American Bar Association’s Center for Dispute Resolution, and a spokesperson told us that the recommended legal solution is to “squeeze off a few warning rounds with your assault rifle.” But this is not a practical solution for everybody, especially senior citizens who have trouble squeezing things. And that’s why we here at the Gift Guide were so delighted when we found out about the Rock On blending in attractively with your decor.

Poop Moose Candy Dispenser

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Unique Concepts, P.O. Box 8637, Kodiak, Alaska 99615, phone (907) 486-6518, fax (907) 486-1915.

(Suggested by Kermit D. Reppond of Kodiak, Alaska.)

Here is the ideal gift for the person on your list who, for whatever reason, does not already have a candy dispenser that simulates a digestive function. This is a beautifully hand-crafted wooden replica of a moose; you fill the slot on the moose’s back with candy, and then you tug on his antlers, and the candy comes out the back of the moose in an appetizing manner that will cause any candy-lover to say: “No thanks, I’m full.”

The Poop Moose is manufactured in Alaska, where there are real moose walking around, and where growing evidence suggests that the long, cold winter nights take their toll on the human mind.

“High-Tech” Space Blankets

$7.97 (set of 4) plus shipping and handling from The Sportsman’s Guide, 411 Farwell Ave., So. St. Paul, Minn. 55075, phone (800) 888-3006, fax (800) 333-6933.

Here’s a wonderful idea if your holiday gift list includes some young people who are “just getting started” as homemakers and could use some “household basics,” but you want to give them something that does not cost much “money.”

These are high-tech space blankets that were designed by NASA for use by astronauts, who apparently did not want them, because now you can get a matching set of four for only $7.97! Each of these blankets, when folded up, is small enough to carry in your pocket, yet when fully unfolded, it offers the same level of roomy, luxurious comfort that you would experience if you inserted your body into an inter-office mail envelope.

These blankets are also great if you have unexpected houseguests and you don’t want them to use your regular blankets because they (your regular blankets) (or your houseguests) have parasites. We carry one of these blankets in our pocket at all times so that we can put it on to warm ourselves up if we become chilly at a movie theater or restaurant, or while driving our car (with the blanket on, we have to drive with our teeth, but at least we are warm).

Hi-5 Electronic Sports Rooting Aid

$99.95 plus shipping and handling plus tax (where applicable), from HI-5 Inc., 176 North Lake Ave., Troy, N.Y. 12180, phone (800) 94 FIVER, http://www.hi5arm.com

This item was available only in prototype form when we tested it; however, the manufacturer has informed us that it should be ready for shipping to customers by the time the Gift Guide is published.

(Suggested by Scott W. Harpe of Kalamazoo, Mich.)

Is there anything more tragic than being home alone when your favorite sports team makes a big play, and you excitedly leap off your couch, knocking beer cans everywhere, only to realize that you have nobody to exchange “high fives” with?

Well, OK, perhaps Bosnia is more tragic. But we here at the Gift Guide do not have a solution for Bosnia, whereas we do have one for the lone-sports-fan problem. This is the Hi-5 electronic rooting aid, which may very well be the ultimate example of how the computer microchip can benefit humanity.

The Hi-5 is an oversized plastic arm, which you attach to your wall, so that it looks as though a large person is trying to punch his way directly into the room without using the door. When you slap the Hi-5 palm, you activate some kind of electronic thing inside it, and a masculine voice makes a randomly selected sports-fan remark, such as:

-“All right!”

-“Way to go!”

-“Yeah!”

-“Lookin’ good!”

-“George Steinbrenner is the Antichrist!”

Actually, that last remark is not in the Hi-5 repertoire, although it should be. But that is the only flaw we can see in this incredible high-tech device. It is the perfect gift for the sports-loving guy on your gift list who spends a lot of time alone. We’re assuming he already has an inflatable girlfriend.

Mother of all Magnets

Purchased from but discontinued at press time: $39.97 plus shipping and handling from The Sportsman’s Guide, 411 Farwell Ave., So. St. Paul, Minn. 55075, phone (800) 888-3006, fax (800) 333-6933.

The problem with most refrigerator magnets is that they are underpowered. If you rely on these pathetic magnets to attach an important piece of paper to your refrigerator, you’ll find that a mere breeze can sometimes blow it down. That’s not good enough, not when you could be using this amazing monster magnet, which was designed for some scary industrial use, and which is unbelievably powerful.

When you get this magnet anywhere near a flat metal surface, WHAM, it attaches itself violently, and you basically can’t get it off. If you ever need to take the important piece of paper anywhere, you’ll pretty much have to unscrew the refrigerator door and carry the whole thing with you.

With this magnet, you are not limited to attaching paper to your refrigerator. You can attach a pizza, a turkey, a lawn chair, or a family member … the possibilities are endless! This is a perfect gift for anybody on your list who would like to possess a device with terrifying power. We ask only that you do not give one to Saddam Hussein.

“Inch Master” Waistband Stretcher

$39.50 plus shipping and handling from Solutions, P.O. Box 6878, Portland, Ore. 97228-6878, phone (800) 342-9988.

(Suggested by Bob Joyce of Hampton, Va., and Pam Spencer of Klamath Falls, Ore.)

Have you ever had a pair of pants with a waist that was too small? In the pathetic old days, the only solution to this problem was to lose weight, or get bigger pants. But no longer! Now, thanks to this astounding invention, you can actually stretch that waistband by as much as five inches, according to the manufacturer. Granted, when you wash the pants, the waist goes back to being too small, which means you have to stretch it again. But at least you don’t have to lose weight or get bigger pants! That’s a waste of your time!

You can also carry this device with you to fancy dinner parties where you plan to eat a lot. After dinner, you can just excuse yourself and go into the bathroom to add vital inches to your waistband. Or perhaps you can do this right at the dinner table, to the amazement and delight of your guests. We understand that the president does this frequently at White House events.

So this holiday season, make somebody happy. Give the gift that says: “Happy Holidays, Lard Butt!”

Potty Golf

$17.98 plus shipping and handling from Harriet Carter, Dept. 37, North Wales, Pa. 19455, phone (800) 377-7878.

(Suggested by a number of alert readers.)

Every now and then we come across a gift item that virtually shrieks the word “TASTEFUL.” Potty Golf is such an item. This is a miniature golf game designed to be played while sitting on the toilet. It comes with putter, two balls, and a “putting green” carpet complete with hole. This is the setup that virtually all of the world’s top professional golfers now use to train for major tournaments. It would not surprise us one bit if, in response to the growing demand for this product, Nike joined forces with American Standard to produce a limited edition Tiger Woods Swoosh Commode.