Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Don’t worry, we have plenty of time to prepare or do we?

The Earth will end in a spectacular celestial light show from a dying sun, according to Hubble Space Telescope scientists. They say it won’t happen here for 5 or 6 billion years, or - and this is what has me worried - “until the Cougars win the Rose Bowl.”

Maybe they’ll be home much sooner than we think

First, the U.S. troops were supposed to be in Bosnia only through the end of 1996. Then, it was through mid-1998. Now, President Clinton has extended the mission for “5 or 6 billion years, or until the Cougars win the Rose Bowl.”

Don Barbieri continues to build his commercial empire

This just in: Cavanaugh’s has just purchased Walla Walla.

On the plus side, it makes pushups easier

I never thought gender-integrated basic training was such a good idea. Boot camp is hard enough without being pregnant.

Coming to a theater near you: ‘Titanic Collapse’

It was one of the world’s technological wonders, until it hit an iceberg and capsized. I am referring to Asia’s economy.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.