The Slice Resolutions? Take Ours, Please

Today, as our Boxing Day gift to you, we offer an assortment of prepackaged New Year’s resolutions.

Feel free to pick and choose.

1. Reduce the time you spend channel-surfing by 90 percent.

2. Take a class in a subject unrelated to your career.

3. Learn a new sport.

4. No more going to movies that feature people shooting one another.

5. Achieve total fitness by Feb. 14.

6. Write a letter to the editor of a different publication each month.

7. Try a new restaurant every week.

8. Stop resisting the urge to say “Maybe Spokane isn’t the problem, maybe you’re the problem.”

9. Avoid time-wasting morons.

10. Stop being afraid to ask for help.

11. Never again fake laughter.

12. Come up with a more interesting version of despair.

13. Don’t eat things you can’t taste.

14. Start putting your wallet and keys in the same place every night.

15. Help someone learn to read.

16. Try to go five minutes each day without being judgmental.

17. Arrive at a better ability to articulate your views on religion.

18. Eat more peas and lentils.

19. Tell the supermodels you’ve been dating that they bore you.

20. Try to develop a putting stroke that doesn’t resemble a dowser attempting to find underground water with a tree branch.

21. Stop listening to music performed by people who don’t dress the way you do.

22. Single-handedly fix all of the Spokane area’s problems.

23. Keep a journal and include wild made-up stuff (to see if anyone is reading it without your permission).

24. Call someone at the Swell Paper and say, “I mean no disrespect, but what exactly is wrong with you?”

25. Start a pointless fad.

26. Inquire about having your apartment declared a WSU branch campus.

27. Perfect your Debra Wilde impression.

28. Remind anyone who needs to hear it that the world has more puppies and kittens than it needs.

29. Learn to cook.

30. Produce your own public-access cable TV show.

“You’ll shoot your eye out”: That warning, from “A Christmas Story,” was named by about a dozen readers as their families’ favorite home-use line from a holiday movie.

Ours? “Happy New Year - in jail!” from “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

If you live in the Valley: Keep an eye on the Valley Voice section for details about the annual Christmas tree recycling program that raises money for high school bands.

Today’s Slice question: What’s the most over-used word in Spokane?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color photo

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