Sharing Feelings Helps You Connect
After three years of marriage, 27-year-old Toni, a secretary who works the night shift at an insurance company so she can care for her children during the day, took her kids - 7-year-old Ashley, her daughter from a previous relationship, and 2-month-old Justin - and moved out.
“Maybe that will be the wake-up call Robert needs,” she said.
“I know Robert tries hard. He buys me everything I want because he knows I never had anything as a kid, but I don’t care about material things. I want more time with my kids, a better relationship with my husband, I want the home life I never had as a child.”
Toni’s parents divorced when she was 7. Her abusive mother kicked her out of the house when she was 15, and she ended up living with her dad, a nice man who was never around.
“I was pretty wild and had little supervision,” she admits. “I want more for my kids than that.”
The trouble is, she and Robert hardly see each other, let alone have time to spend talking or doing anything fun together. Robert cares for the kids at night while Toni is at work, and they’re all fast asleep by the time she gets off work. Weekends are filled with housework, errands and shopping.
“Robert frets about money, but buying things seems to be the only pleasure we had together,” Toni concedes.
Robert, 34, is heartsick over his wife’s sudden departure. “I’ve tried to be a good dad and a good provider, but Toni and I just can’t connect with each other anymore.”
Just about everything Robert has done to try to please his wife has been rebuffed.
“I know Toni had a rough childhood and I thought that if I gave her all the things she wanted and never had, she’d start to feel more secure.”
Even his attempts to parent Ashley and Justin have blown up in his face.
“I feel like the baby sitter, not the father,” Robert explains. “Toni never gives me any room. She makes all the decisions regarding the kids. If I disagree with her, I keep quiet because she doesn’t back down on anything. It’s tough trying to share parenting with someone like that.
“I love Toni and I just hope counseling will help us get back together again.”
Learning how to share feelings: three questions that can help you communicate
Toni and Robert say they love each other, but they never really connected - sexually, spiritually, emotionally or intellectually,” notes Diane Zeidwig, a marital therapist in De Land, Fla.
These two had their priorities mixed up: Toni was convinced that their marriage had become dull because Robert preferred to spend time with the kids rather than go out. She didn’t realize that boredom sets in when two people stop sharing their feelings.
The following advice helped this couple not only start the conversation rolling but establish and maintain new bonds.
If you and your partner have drifted apart, make a pact that every night, after the kids are in bed, you will ask, and answer, the following three questions:
What secrets am I keeping from my partner today?
Toni had never told Robert all the details of childhood and her relationship with her mother. When she finally did, he understood why she found it so hard to be satisfied. As they became closer, Toni’s childhood wounds healed and she was able to find joy in the present and stop fighting demons from the past.
What feelings have I held back today?
Robert was so out of touch with his feelings, he hardly knew he had any. Slowly, he learned to express himself: to stand up to Toni when she was being domineering; to tell her how much he loved her; to voice his concerns over finances.
What do I love about my partner today?
By scheduling time to share feelings, Robert and Toni began to learn things about each other they hadn’t known before, and they discovered that they could provide a good emotional balance for each other’s worries and fears. As they opened up emotionally to one another, intimacy followed and their sex life greatly improved.