Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Death by rashers: a north country murder plot

Actual story: Two men tried to kill a Colville man by tying him to a tree and sprinkling bacon around him to lure “wolves and bears.” Thank God, he escaped with minor ant and chipmunk wounds.

The State of the Union vs. The Estate of the Juice

Tuesday night was a headache for the networks, with Clinton going head-to-head against O.J. Simpson. Somebody must have overlooked the obvious solution: Have Clinton hold up that “Y” sign at appropriate times throughout the speech.

Which part of the “no” vote don’t you understand?

Major election surprise: Voters in the Valley voted down cityhood for the 898th consecutive time. One or two voters actually voted “yes,” apparently confused by the wording.

We need to make sure it wasn’t Tom Cruise up in those fighters

I’m convinced it was an innocent mistake when those two F-16s got too close to that passenger jet over the Atlantic. Still, someone should check the voice recording box to see if any pilot engaged in inappropriate laughter, or even once uttered the phrase “mess with their heads.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.