Clearing Path To Personal Happiness

Dear Jennifer: I want to begin the new year with a resolve to change the thought patterns that keep me stuck. I feel ineffective. I began with examining those thoughts that get in my way. I have identified “might-as-well thinking” as my main problem.

Here are some examples: “It’s too late to get up early so I might as well sleep longer.” “I haven’t exercised yet and it’s already mid-afternoon so I might as well do it in the morning. There’s not enough time, the world’s a mess I’ll never be as good as so and so, etc., so I might as well not do anything.”

What is likely to truly make a difference in my thought patterns?

Lou

Dear Lou, Think of thought patterns as messages laid down in your mind like paths. Have you ever driven home without thinking and suddenly found yourself in your driveway? Many thought habits are the same, they are almost unconscious.

The things that can jolt you into a new pattern you probably don’t want: life-threatening illness, major accident, crisis or loss, mental illness, depression. The things that might help jolt you are: psychological counseling, a new understanding that changes your thoughts and physical exercise.

If you were to try to understand your malaise, it might be classic procrastination. I’ll send you the section on procrastination from my book “Women and the Blues.” I know it will help.

See if any of the following fit you as unconscious reasons for not getting what you want accomplished:

Resistance to being controlled, “I don’t have to do it.” Fear of failure or perfectionism, “I cannot do it right so why try.”

Fear of success, “If I did do this I would attract attention and envy.” Fear of independence, “I would be responsible for myself and what happens to me.”

Ambivalence, “I don’t really know what I want.” Revenge, “I can live with it but it drives my (husband, wife, mother, etc.) crazy.” Depression, “Any effort seems like too much.”

Spend some time finding out who you are and what is important to you. The most important defense against procrastination is being true to your own concerns and priorities instead of those of someone else.

The questions you are asking for the new year are very important. The more your life becomes your own, the more disciplined you are about being true to your own sense of accomplishment, the happier you will be.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: Awhile ago (12/15/96) you invited readers to write and give you feedback on “definitions or descriptions of character” and also on “additions to the Ten Commandments.” I submit my two cents:

Although there may be a lot of people who have religious beliefs, some feel as if they are under perpetual attack by people who “just don’t understand God’s mission on earth.”

I will admit that as a child, following the Ten Commandments was a hard act to follow. Now so much of what these articles of faith represent seems easier to adhere to. Like the United States Constitution, I don’t believe the Ten Commandments need any editing; there’s enough in those 10 items to keep anyone on their toes.

As for what defines character, I do know what I feel isn’t character: poor listening skills, racism, uneducated/unread people, a need to tell everyone else they’re wrong, and impatience. Not intolerance, impatience.

The Ten Commandments have endured for centuries, but the measure of character those commandments were supposed to help create gets lost. It disappears in the words and deeds of those who are convinced they’re right and everyone else needs to learn that.

Milt

Dear Jennifer: What we DO defines our significance, our relationships and our existence. What we DO happens to, with, for, and against ourselves and others. What we believe may or may not include that Moses brought the advice of God to his people and that Jesus Christ did the same. If we are to concern ourselves with the social message of Moses, why would we ignore the social message of Christ?

When Christ said: “Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of my brethren, you have done it unto me,” (Matt. 25:40) was he not telling us that our relationship with our fellow man defines our relationship to our God?

And is it not strange that those who claim to believe attempt to placate their God with a few gifts, a few songs, a few prayers, and a bit of forced sociality with the congregation?

Dean

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review