That’s No Supermodel; It’s Just My Pet Raccoon

As it turns out, David Letterman doesn’t know much about makeup. Big surprise there, eh?

As he admitted to TV Guide, he was clueless last October when he kidded supermodel Cindy Crawford about her eyeshadow, which even by her standards seemed pretty dark.

How dark? Well, Letterman asked Crawford when the bruises would go away.

Word is that a tearful Crawford - who was not doing a Tammy Faye Bakker impersonation - vowed never again to do Letterman’s show.

“I made fun of her makeup,” Letterman allowed to TV Guide. “But I didn’t think that it would hurt her feelings. Then, later, I find out that her eye makeup wasn’t silly at all; that’s the way people are wearing it. I shouldn’t be let out of the house.”

Loose talk

Martha Stewart, laughing about a “Saturday Night Live” parody of her, which involved her going topless (in the New York Daily News): “Of course I saw it. I thought it was in terrible taste.”

Turns out he was one of the original kids in the…

Arsenio Hall turns 42 today.

Maybe they should just show him the money

Sure, “Jerry Maguire” earned a Best Picture Oscar nomination, but the judge who is ruling on a lawsuit involving the movie is a harsh critic. Judge Stephen Wilson is overseeing Reebok International’s claim that the film’s producers reneged on a deal to do specific product placement with star Cuba Gooding Jr. Wilson had to put off making a ruling because he fell asleep while watching the film.

Doherty turns down a chance to clean up her act

According to the Miami Herald, television producer Aaron Spelling was so hot to get former “Beverly Hills, 90210” star Shannen Doherty for his new soap, “Savannah,” he even offered her a $100,000 per-episode salary. Her response: No soap.

Her breath curled the arresting officer’s eyelashes

When questioned by Oprah Winfrey, 19-year-old figure skater Oksana Baiul said that throwing down enough alcohol to give her a blood-alcohol level of 0.168 didn’t make her drunk. When asked why, she had a simple explanation. “I’m a Russian,” she said.

We say he’s young and he don’t know…

How best to get back at mom? Elijah Blue, Cher’s son with Greg Allman, hit his mother’s vanity. The lead singer of the rock band Deadsy’s told Cher, “I’m far prettier and more talented than you.”

Fergie’s on her way to being a real hipster

Having cleared up her finances, the Duchess of York has hopes for the future. “It’s like a fresh, clean page in 1997 for me,” she announced on Monday, “and I hope in my travels I may be able to inspire other people to keep fighting and have courage.” That entails, she added, dieting to keep her “fluctuating hips” from spreading.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 2 color photos

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Compiled by staff writer Dan Webster