Creating All-Name Teams Can Become A Scientific Pursuit

To my lingering regret, Florida A&M has declared ineligible for this basketball season its fine young guard with the glorious and very real name of Scientific Mapp.

And I wondered:

Did he flunk geology? Or geography?

And if it was the latter, will that be a lesson to his little brother? Will Majestic Mapp, a talented New York prepster, eschew thematic cartography and load up with classes on Tudor England and France under the Bourbons?

Scientific Mapp. Monquencio Hardnett. Kilavorus Thompson.

I am confounded by the new names of sport, possibly because I was baptized with the plain, honest, but unfortunately utilitarian name of John.

No doubt I was born too soon for the age of D’Quarius.

But why not Coleco? Or Nod? Or Axel?

Surely my game would have had NBA possibilities had the family name been Dunkley, or had my parents the foresight to name me Trey.

Or Ukari Figgs. Or Shomario Richard. Or Fantasia Johnson.

Don’t those names just reek of ball?

I understand that this is partly a contemporary cultural phenomenon, that expanding ethnic awareness and pride - to say nothing of John Thompson recruiting overseas - has fertilized an orchard of onomastic delights.

But fitting names with teams is an old amusement.

For instance, has there ever been a better marriage of school and player than Eastern Washington University and Les Perfect (letterman, 1946 and ‘50)?

And why wasn’t Mush Torson, who coached at Portland for eight years, ever hired by the Washington Huskies?

In that spirit, we give you college basketball’s 1996-97 All-Name Teams - rigorously categorized, gender nonspecific and appended with nicknames to suit our purposes which, of course, are for entertainment only.

All-Got Game - Julian Dunkley (Temple), Ryan Jama (Weber State), Alico Dunk (East Carolina), Trey Moore (Mississippi State), Brian Swisher (Lower Columbia). Coach on the floor: Mensah Davis (North Texas).

All-No Game - Reuben Stiff (Akron), Adrian Chilliest (Auburn), Damon Tankerley (McNeese State), Branson Fowle (Sam Houston), Meredith Pine (Hofstra).

All-Music Appreciation - Juan Toscanini (UC Irvine), Chuck Guittar (Drexel), Bebop Walker (Arkansas State), LeVar Folk (Boston U), Harmony Williams (Yale). Blue-note recruit: Jermaine Medley (Villanova).

All-Hooterville - Matt “Green” Acres (New Hampshire), Jonathan Pixley (Samford), Tonya “Floyd” Smoot (Miami), Bobby Joe Evans (Oklahoma).

All-Frostbite Falls - Ben Peabody and Sherman Hamilton (VCU), Rocky Walls (Oral Roberts), Natasha Davis (North Carolina), Noelle “Aesop’s” Fable (Nevada). Ms. Knowitall: Carolyn Moos (Stanford recruit).

All-DUI Chianti Roberts (Oklahoma State), Mike Vodicka (NE Illinois), Brandy Botts (Hofstra), Ales Zivanovic (Hawaii), Mrisa Gallo (Lehigh). Designated driver: Tang Hamilton (Mississippi State recruit).

All-Spice Bags Cayenne (Jacksonville), Pepper Knoll (Oklahoma State), Megan Basil (Harvard), Ginger Jared (Vanderbilt), Farrah Parsley (Columbia Basin).

All-Julia Child - Ali Kart (Akron), Otis Kitchen (Florida Atlantic), Yann Barbic (Loyola, Ill.), Matt Picnic (Long Island). Most inspirational: Jessie Cravens (Rice).

All-Disgusting - Jason Sewer (Brown), Damien McSwine (Loyola, Ill.), Cookie Belcher (Nebraska), Dink Peters (San Jacinto JC).

All-Love Connection - Luke Kiss (Wisconsin-Green Bay), Malik Cupid (Colgate), Shalei Valentine (Nevada), Pashen Thompson (Tennessee), Phil Hickey (Notre Dame).

All-Noise - Natter Miller (Wofford), Malcolm Yelling (Central Connecticut), Andre Speech (San Diego - since dismissed, apparently an impediment to team unity), Rae Anne Yip (Cal Poly SLO), Lynn Cheer (SE Louisiana).

All-Anatomy - Bo Buettenback (Cornell), Boney Watson (Sam Houston State), Jocquinn Arch (Prairie View), Brad Bodily (Southern Utah), Georgia Bottoms (Indiana State).

All-Marlin Perkins - Johan Rat (The Citadel), Fido Willybiro (Lehigh), Marmet Williams (San Jose State), Moo Moo Blakney (South Carolina State), Cat Frater (Campbell).

All-Willard Scott - Danny Sprinkle (Montana State), Misty Mooring (Winthrop), Breezy Johnson (Texas-San Antonio), Sunshine Metro (Stetson), Winter Threat (Alabama State).

All-BMOC Joe Provost (Maine), Adrian Pledger (West Virginia), Chancellor Davis (UNLV), Jermel President (Charleston).

All-Should Transfer - Tennessee’s Vegas Davis (to UNLV), Southern’s Vandale Thomas (to Idaho), Cleveland State’s James Madison (obviously), Loyola’s Lamar Butler (to either Lamar or Butler), South Carolina’s George Formanek (to WBC). Hall of Fame: Lehman’s Sayunara Lopez.

All-Chris Berman - Randy “Re” Encarnacion (Marist), Ellious “Smith and Jones” Swanigan (UNC-Charlotte), Scott “Supreme” Effertz (Kent), Sophie “Sister” Sledge (San Diego State), Beth “S” Paranto (Pine Manor), Stephanie “CD” Rom (Binghamton).

All-Positive Vibes - Peppie Browne (Duke), Patience Grayer (Kansas), Peace Shepard (North Carolina State), Precious Metcalf (Southern), Pollyanna Johns (Michigan).

All-Bad Vibes - Christina Popoff (Liberty), Sheldon Quarles (Texas), D.J. Bosse (Kent), Gina Tophoney (West Chester), Terry Kringe (Northeastern), Nadir Dallah (Howard Payne). Top recruit: Levar “Go” Postell.

All-Self Absorbed - God Shammgod (Providence), Narcisse Ewodo (Davidson), Shaun Igo (Rice), Starzee Walker (Wofford). Prize recruit: Hunter Hoggatt (VCU).

All-Carmen Sandiego - Joe Madrid (Cal Poly SLO), Kenya Capers (Houston), Silesia Stevens (Towson State), Denmark Reid (New Mexico State), Bayonne Taty (Seton Hall).

All-Catechism - Blake Moses (Oral Roberts), Solomon Abel (St. Francis, N.Y.), Eden Palacio (Pacific), El-Malik Messiah (Green River CC).

All-Chilled Out - Steve Napper (Robert Morris), Mike Leasure (Gonzaga), Nod Carter (Middle Tennessee), Summer Jung (Howard Payne).

All-Name All-Stars - Frentress Williams (Arkansas State), Monquencio Hardnett (Connecticut), Ya-Ya Dia (Georgetown), Jabari Outtz (Howard), Pyritas Harris (Southern), Shoe de Jong (Vermont), Kumbeno Memory (Clark CC).

Scientific Mapp MVP Award Miracle Fingers (McNeese State).

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review