Cheap Seats

A big mooseunderstanding

Pitcher Makoto Suzuki of the Mariners has changed his uniform number to 36, in part to avoid international incidents like the one last spring, when Suzuki wore No. 96. Seems the Japanese media dogging Suzuki’s every step were outraged when the Mariner Moose also showed up wearing No. 96 - thinking the Moose had either stolen Suzuki’s number or was making fun of him.

Of course, the Moose always wears the year on his back, but Suzuki still had to explain to his countrymen.

Does this mean the Moose can’t ride his motorcycle, either?

Will hunt down real killer for food

Helpful Mike Downey, the Los Angeles Times columnist, came up with some suggestions on how O.J.

Simpson - I.O.U.J., he called him, now that he owes $33.5 million to the Goldmans and Browns - can save or raise the money. A sampling:

- From now on, only miniature golf.

- Sell those Buffalo Bills’ championship rings. (Oops, sorry, Juice. Guess not.)

- Hold seminar, instructing USC how to beat UCLA.

- Stiff your caddie.

- Call Bruno Magli people, propose new shoe, Air Simpson.

- Narrate Marcus Allen highlight video. (Football only.)

- “Naked Gun IV.” Visiting player at Anaheim spits in umpire Leslie Nielsen’s face.

- Dan Marino out, you in, in Isotoner ads.

- Let Rodman kick you between the legs. Sue.

- New entry for Indy or NASCAR: Johnnie Cochran “race cars.”

- Coach at UCLA, pad expense account.

- See if Ito would wear Nike logo on robe.

Putting the bite on the Mavs

Jazz guard Jeff Hornacek and his son, Ryan, were locked in intense negotiations on the car ride to a recent game against the Mavericks.

Ryan had a loose tooth that his father wanted to go ahead and pull. Ryan said no. Finally, the two struck a deal: If Jeff drilled - pardon the expression - at least two shots from 3-point range, Ryan would let his father pull the tooth. Otherwise, he got to keep it for another few days.

Hornacek hit two three-pointers in the final 3:40 of the first quarter to tip the deal in his favor.

“I better take a towel and some gauze home with me,” Hornacek said afterward. “Otherwise, he might bleed all over the car.”

Publinksters Clearinghouse?

Take Wayne Aekin’s golf course, please.

All you need is $100 and 250 words explaining why you want to own the Evergreen Par 3 and the Greenwood, Del., course can be yours.

Shortly after Aekin and his wife, Cynde, decided on a whim to build the course in 1994, Aekin was disabled by spinal arthritis. Unable to work any longer, he decided to raffle it off.

Entries will be judged by a panel that includes a minister, a greenskeeper and a publisher. To get in on the action, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to: Evergreen Par 3 Essay Contest, P.O. Box 186, Harrington, DE 19952. Or send a fax to 302-349-4653. Deadline for entries is May 1, and the winner will be announced May 15.

The last word …

“This is like the extinct fighting the obsolete.”

Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome, on the Leonard-Camacho fight

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo