The Craziest Things Can Upset People
Today, as part of my ongoing series entitled “Advancing Your Career,” I’m going to address the often-asked question: Should you set fire to your supervisor’s beard?
But first I need to formally apologize to the Harley-Davidson motorcycle riders for a column I wrote a couple of months ago in which I stated - without having done any research - that people who repeatedly rev their extremely loud Harley-Davidsons in crowded public places are jerks.
Well. You talk about stirring up a hornet’s nest. I have not received so much irate mail since the time I criticized Neil Diamond.
(NOTE TO NEIL DIAMOND FANS: Please don’t write to me again! I now worship Neil as a god! I have a graven image of him to which I ritually sacrifice goats!)
(NOTE TO ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: I’m just kidding!)
(NOTE TO NEIL DIAMOND FANS: Not that I am saying Neil is not worthy of goat sacrifice!)
In their letters to me, the Harley-Davidson people made four basic points:
1. I am scum.
2. There are important mechanical and safety reasons why Harley-Davidson engines need to be extremely loud and revved a lot.
3. I am lower than scum.
4. Perhaps I would like to have my skull crushed like a ping-pong ball under a freight locomotive.
Here are some actual unretouched quotations from the letters I received:
“Dear mr Barry yes you are a looser and yes you are anal retentive.”
“You are an idiot! You should be writing you’re so called journalism for National Inquirer.”
“My loud Harley might catch your attention from concentrating on singing your favorite Barry Manilow song.”
“I don’t guess you know that lawyers, Doctors, country singers own Harley.”
“You (bleeping) polyester buying, penny loafer sporting, polka-dot tie wearing, bus riding, no life having, (motherbleeper).”
So I just want to make this sincere statement of apology to those Harley riders whom I have offended: Don’t you EVER accuse me of listening to Barry Manilow.
(NOTE TO BARRY MANILOW FANS: Just kidding! I love Barry’s work! Especially the Dr. Pepper commercial!)
OK, now that we’ve cleared that up, I want to share with you an item from a newsletter published by the Utah Department of Employment Security, sent to me by alert reader John Balmforth. The newsletter has a feature entitled YOU BE THE JUDGE, which presents a case concerning whether a company was justified in discharging an employee (referred to as the “claimant”). Here, according to the newsletter are the facts, as determined at a hearing:
“During a disciplinary discussion with his supervisor, the claimant lit the supervisor’s beard on fire with a cigarette lighter.”
“Shortly thereafter, the claimant refused to follow instructions from his trainer and, when rebuked, the worker pressed a Post-It note on the trainer’s forehead.”
OK! You be the judge! Was the employer justified in firing this person? Think about it, while we play the “Jeopardy” music: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo DOO doo-doo-doo-doo-doo …
Time’s up! The answer, according to the Utah Department of Employment Security is: Yes, the employer WAS justified. The newsletter points out that “not only is setting a person’s beard on fire dangerous,” but also the forehead Post-It note indicates “an absence of professional behavior.” The department apparently did not give the employee any credit for refraining from attaching the note with a stapler.
Speaking of assaults, I have here a chilling news item from the Sept. 3 edition of the Asbury Park Press, alertly sent in by John F. Coffey II, attorney at law. The item, which was written by Sheri Tabachnik and which I am not making up, begins as follows:
“‘A Belmar man who was throwing uncooked pasta out the window was charged by police with stabbing a man who was hit by the rigatoni, police said.”
The article states that the victim and some friends were walking on the street at about 2 a.m., when “some people in an apartment began throwing uncooked pasta out the window at them.” Words were exchanged, and the pasta-wielding perpetrator allegedly came out of the apartment and stabbed the victim. According to a police spokesperson, “He must have hit him in an artery because he was gushing blood.”
The victim survived, but this tragic incident serves as yet another reminder to us all that, when we feel stress or anger, we must NOT, in a rash moment, unthinkingly reach for the rigatoni. Instead we should remember the words of the great pacifist Mohandas Gandhi, who, in a famous 1949 speech, said, “Me, I prefer the No. 9 capellini.” What is all the more amazing about this speech is that Gandhi actually died in 1948.
So in conclusion, let me just reiterate my main points, which are (1) it is unprofessional to set fire to our supervisors, at least in Utah; (2) when pasta is outlawed, only outlaws will have pasta; and (3) we should not be critical of people who make extremely loud motorcycle noises in public if we are sporting penny loafers. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to “I Write the Songs.”
xxxx