Doc-Tor Fails Sensitivity Class In Crude Fashion
The state Medical Quality Assurance Commission decided Spokane County’s rude, crude and oft-sued Coroner Dexter Amend can keep his medical license but must pay a fine and undergo 20 hours of sensitivity training.
Let us peek into a crystal ball at Dex’s first class on how to become a human being:
TEACHER (a young woman in Birkenstock sandals and a rainbow caftan who speaks in a cheery, singsongy voice): “Good Morning, Dexter. I’m Ms. Bliss. Welcome to sensitivity class.”
AMEND (sitting stiffly and scowling): “That’s Doc-tor! I insist that people call me Doc-tor! I went to medical school, after all. I have a diploma. It says Doc-TOR!”
MS. BLISS (a bit taken aback): “Yes. Well, Dawk-tor, thanks to the inexplicable generosity of the medical disciplinary panel, you are technically still a healer. But we’re here today to help you act like one.”
AMEND (adjusting his bolo tie): “Are you some kind of lesbian?”
MS. BLISS: “Now, that’s an excellent place for us to begin our dialogue. You seem to be abnormally preoccupied with other people’s sexuality. But while you privately don’t have to abide by certain lifestyles, you need to realize that homophobic outbursts can be very hurtful and demeaning to …”
AMEND (squinting): “Because you sure are dressed like a lesbo.”
MS. BLISS (exhaling): “Let’s move ahead. The five doctors who heard your case …”
AMEND (interrupting): “A bunch of limp-wrists, if you ask me!”
MS. BLISS (ignoring the cantankerous outburst): “… concluded your conduct was professionally lacking in three of the four controversial death cases they investigated.”
AMEND: “Left-wing poppycock!”
MS. BLISS: “Really. Well, let’s look at the Kendra Grantham case. After the 16-year-old was shot in the head, you quizzed the dead girl’s mom and asked her if Kendra or a toddler who knew the victim had been gang-raped. What possible reason could you have for asking such a thing?”
AMEND (pointing a finger): “A coroner must be able to ask tough questions in order to find the Truth.”
MS. BLISS: “The truth of how people die?”
AMEND (rising): “No, you twit. The girl was shot in the head. Even a chiropractor could tell how she died. I’m talking about all the sodomites skulking around behind my back.”
MS. BLISS (paling): “Sodomites?”
AMEND (raving): “They’re everywhere. They must be stopped before we all get AIDS or talk with a lisp.”
MS. BLISS: “And that’s why you felt you had to ask the mother and teenage brother of Jeffrey Himes, the 11-year-old boy who died in a shed fire, if the victim was gay or had been masturbating before he died?”
AMEND: “Playboy magazines and beer cans were found in the burned shed. Cigarettes were found on the boy’s body. That spells only one thing to a professional like me, Sister of Satan.”
MS. BLISS (looking queasy): “Um, sodomites?”
AMEND (grinning): “Now you’re catching on.”
MS. BLISS: “And that’s why you publicized poor 9-year-old murder victim Rachel Carver’s autopsy report, linking her to alleged sodomy? And that’s why you tried to order an autopsy of a gay man who had died of AIDS complications? And that’s why you can’t seem to go five seconds without bringing up homosexuality or …”
AMEND: (jumping up and down): “Or sodomites! Now you’ve got it. I think we’re making great headway here.”
MS. BLISS (shaking her head and rubbing furiously at her temples): “You’d better leave. Not even 20 years of sensitivity training would help you. In fact, Dexter Amend, I think you are a very sick man, you, you coot.”
AMEND (grinning as he heads for the door): “Why, yes. Yes, I am. But that’s Doc-TOR Coot to you!”
, DataTimes