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Won’t McDonald’s sue?

Nickname for the postseason Missouri Valley Conference basketball tournament at the Kiel Center in St. Louis: Arch Madness.

The ugly Canadian

Olympic 100-meter champion Donovan Bailey says - horrors! - he has been slighted by the American media.

Bailey, selected the male athlete of the year in voting conducted by The Canadian Press, is upset that he didn’t receive a single vote for The Associated Press award won by American sprinter Michael Johnson, who only won an unprecedented 200-400 double at the Atlanta Games and lowered the 200 record to just this side of the speed of sound.

“That’s just the total ignorance of Americans,” said Bailey, who also anchored Canada to a relay win over the U.S. “They think they’re the world. They don’t know what’s going on in the rest of society. It doesn’t matter what those guys think. In Canada, they understand the impact of what I did and what my teammates did.

“It probably motivates me even more to beat them at the major championships. I think what we have to do is keep hammering them every day.”

No reaction from Johnson on not winning the prestigious Canadian Press award, delivered by dogsled from the Yukon.

Perhaps his name should be Rich Contrite

Don’t invite center Jim Sweeney, who played 11 seasons with the Jets before signing on with the Pittsburgh Steelers, to any cocktail parties with ex-Jets coach Rich Kotite.

“He quit,” Sweeney told the New York Post. “What a coward. You can print that. He’s a loser. If he was the captain of the Titanic, he’d be the first one onto the rescue boat.”

Sweeney claimed Kotite lied to him. “I just don’t like him,” Sweeney said. “Hey, you lie to me, you lose all my respect. He kept saying, ‘Oh, we look forward to working with you,’ and then he turns around and cuts me. He’s scared. He’s a power freak. He’s paranoid. And then he quits when it gets bad.”

But really, Jim, can you wish him anything worse than being coach of the Jets?

It does mean zip

With apologies to J. Beresford Tipton, Lou Roe is The Trillionaire.

The little-used Golden State Warrior led the NBA last year in a little-known NBA statistical category that’s come to be known as trillions - at least according to Harvey Pollack’s recently released 1996-97 NBA Statistical Yearbook, a treasure-trove of trivia and arcane facts.

For the uninformed, a player posts a trillion when he gets in the game, usually for just a couple of minutes, and does not record a single stat. Hence, in the box score he’ll have a number for the amount of minutes played, followed by a string of 15 zeroes.

The expression was coined by former NBA journeyman and sharp wit Scott Hastings.

While a rookie with the Pistons last year, Roe notched 12 trillions, edging the Sonics’ Steve Scheffler by one. Roe flashed a big smile when told of the stat.

“That stuff doesn’t bother me,” he said.

Not when his salary has at least six zeroes in it, anyway.

The last word …

“That putt was so fast, it looked like Pat Buchanan going through Harlem.”

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo



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