It’s Just Bad Form On Their Part
Dear Miss Manners: Long-time friends who both work out of their home invited us to spend a day with them, suggesting a time. When we called ahead in the morning, however, we were advised, along with several reasons why, that one of the couple would be working while the rest of us ate and visited.
Our attempt at canceling was sharply countered with a question as to whether this person’s not working was to be “a prerequisite” for our attendance.
This scenario, with the exception of our bowing out and the resultant unpleasant confrontation, has been oft repeated. What are we to think?
Either the person is truly busy and doesn’t need the additional task of entertaining guests - or could this be a way of “politely” avoiding us?
Gentle Reader: One of the peculiarities of our time is the blur between work time and leisure. As Miss Manners understands it, the office is the place where showers and birthday parties are held, while the home is where mere socializing is a disturbance to serious people.
Of course, it should be a prerequisite for accepting an invitation to be assured that your hosts are free to entertain you. No considerate person would intrude on someone’s working hours. And no considerate person would invite guests with no intention of entertaining them.
Dear Miss Manners: We are sometimes perplexed about how to respond when restaurant owners, the maitre d’hotel or another representative of management asks us, “How was everything tonight?”
The expected answer is a noncommittal “fine.” But since dining out is more of a business transaction than a social relationship with the restaurant, we feel the question deserves a serious answer.
When the food and service are spectacular, we make a point of commending the waiter and the chef; sometimes we even write complimentary letters to the establishment or to restaurant guides.
But every so often, the service is below par for a first-class restaurant, and we feel obligated to answer with constructive criticism (not just grumpy generalizations) about the points at issue - that the serving staff neglected to pour the wine, cleared the table before everyone was finished, or failed to offer refills of coffee.
No matter how fair we try to be, the person who asked seems to be taken aback by a less-than-rapturous response, leaving us with the nagging feeling that we have committed a social error.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is not as annoyed at the “Is everything all right?” inquiry as she used to be. She supposes she has just gotten into the habit of nodding absently so that it does not override the punch line of the joke she is telling her dining companion when management inevitably interrupts.
But she is not yet willing to define it as a mere conventional pleasantry, such as “How are you?” which requires only a pleasantly meaningless answer.
So if you want to use it as an opportunity to offer polite and well-tempered criticism, it is all right with her. Restaurant workers who don’t like this can easily spare themselves by ceasing the habit of interrupting people’s dinners.
Those who have compliments and complaints to distribute can easily do so without this prompting.
xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate