Stop Being ‘Fair’ And Take Charge
Q. We have two boys, ages 10 and 7. We have always tried to treat them fairly, never doing something for one without doing the same thing or something of an equal nature for the other. This, we thought, was the way to keep down sibling rivalry.
Now we are having our doubts. The older they have gotten, the more demanding they have become. It’s like they’re constantly on the lookout for things one has or gets that the other doesn’t. The situation is getting absurd. What should we do?
A. So, your plan backfired, did it? Well, if it’s any consolation, the same plan has backfired for thousands of parents before you and will continue to backfire for thousands yet to come.
The solution? Stop treating them fairly. In the first place, your well-intentioned “fairness” is actually unfair, because no one will ever make any effort to treat them fairly again. The more accustomed they get to the idea that “fair” is the normal way of the world, the ruder their awakening will be when they find out, as adults, that it ain’t.
But more than just being unfair to your sons, you’ve become a slave to their demands. They find your omissions and you dutifully correct them. So, I ask you, who’s running the show?
Well, obviously, they are, but how do you propose I undo five years of fairness?
Just tell them the game’s over. You and your husband should sit them down and read them your proclamation of independence.
“Hear ye! Hear ye! Let it be henceforth known and proclaimed about the household that your parents are no longer going to be fair. Since it has become increasingly obvious to us that you are two different people, though you share many things in common, we are going to treat you - you guessed it - differently! If, for instance, we buy you (point dramatically at one of them) something, we may not buy you (point, with a flourish, at the other) anything at all. If we do something with or for you (point accusingly), we may not do anything with or for you (point menacingly). If that’s not fair, so be it. If you don’t like it - and you won’t - that’s life. Get the point?”
Now, the important stuff. You are in the habit of being fair, and your boys are in the habit of expecting it. There’s only one way to break a habit and that’s cold turkey. So, for the next few months, because it’s going to take at least that long, you and your husband should conspire to to plan instances of unfairness.
For example, take one of them to the store for a new pair of pants, but don’t take the other. Then, a few days later, bring home a new shirt for the one who didn’t get the pants, but bring nothing for the one who got the pants. Plan things for them individually, rather than collectively. Let them experience what unfair is like. It’s the only way they’re going to find out it’s not terminal.
But they’re not going to like it.
Don’t. They won’t agree with you, much less even listen. The harder you try to get them to “understand,” the more they will rant and pretty soon, you will begin to feel maybe you’re doing the wrong thing and you’ll try to be fair to make up for your awfulness and, zappo, you’ll be right back where you started from.
Instead of entertaining their misery, just request that they take it to their rooms and vent it there, against their pillows and mattresses and stuffed animals and such.
xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer