Writer Takes Politically Correct Tack To Bible

“Eat no-fat foods; drink non-alcoholic beverages; and try to be merry.”

“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth not adultery, but taketh a trophy wife.”

Few books are less politically correct than the Bible, where individuals are expected to live up to strict ethical demands, and those who do not are held accountable for their actions.

But in recent years, as the Bible has been been translated into ever more colloquial versions and adapted for audiences of wide-ranging ages and backgrounds, some of its sharper edges often have been lost.

So why not take the biblical trend to the extreme and get some comic mileage out of it, thought Edward P. Moser, author of “The Politically Correct Guide to American History.”

In his new humor book, “The Politically Correct Guide to the Bible” (Crown Publishers), Moser pens his own “politically corrected proverbs.” He rewrites the biblical stories to spoof a modern mindset that has difficulty with the concepts of divine truth and universal standards for human behavior.

“Modern society has become unhooked from its moorings and its values,” Moser said in an interview.

In the revisionist bible, The Ten Commandments become “The Ten Recommendations,” and Cain, after being caught fleeing the scene of the crime in a cart pulled by a white Ford Bronco, attributes his murder of Abel to the stress of being raised in the world’s first dysfunctional family.

“Therefore I really had nothing to do with his death,” Cain says. “Everybody makes mistakes. I just want to get on with my life.”

While some of the biblical sayings such as “love thy neighbor” and “turn the other cheek” are politically correct in a good way, Moser said, there is a lot of fodder for humor in the differences between biblical standards and contemporary society’s difficulty with absolute standards.

For example, one of his “Ten Recommendations” is: “Thou shalt commit adultery, or pre-adultery: If it feeleth good, do it. Particularly if you’re French, and keeping a mistress or a mantress is expected. Or the insatiable governor of a Southern state whose troopers tempt him with an endless supply of willing consorts. … However, thou shalt in every circumstance avoid the impression of impropriety.”

Other satiric recommendations include the advice not to bear false witness, “unless you can afford a Dream Team of morally disengaged attorneys,” and to “remember the Sabbath Day, so thou can get all thy shopping done at that time.”

Moser said it was difficult to use biblical characters to satirize contemporary foibles while remaining sensitive to the deeply held religious beliefs of some readers. So he avoided especially sacred events, such as Christ’s death and resurrection.

Still, Moser said, he recognizes that some people will be offended.

His advice to such critics?

“Take it in good humor, first of all, and … take it as a serious look at modern society’s ills through a biblical context,” he said. “It’s really a defense of the values of the Bible through a spoof of modern society.”