Dental Floss Test Leaves No Doubt - Boys Are Cooler

There are some fairly obvious differences between males and females, but I’d like to point out the psychological gap.

This is not some little tiny bite-size gap. We’re talking about a Grand Canyon kind of gap - the kind of gap that you expect to see between Mike Tyson’s two front teeth. Indeed, there is a difference between boys and girls.

I recently learned an amazingly cool trick in which one snorts dental floss and then coughs it out his mouth, making a cool squeaking noise as he rubs it back and forth between his teeth. I improved upon the trick until I could make the floss go in one nostril and out the other.

I tested the psychological gap by showing the Mental Floss trick to every person I knew, including several girls, and then listening to their reactions. I concluded that lack of testosterone has a negative effect on female brain cells. I reached this conclusion when some people, and I am not going to name any specific gender here (but they were of the female persuasion), stated that my trick was “crude,” “gross,” or “a disgusting display of oral/nasal hygiene.”

What these people did not understand was that it was disgustingly cool. All of the people who are my same gender, however, immediately wanted me to teach them how to do the trick.

But I’m not just talking about cool nasal tricks (I can also stick a Q-Tip up there.) I’m talking about the male mentality vs. the female mentality. What is it that makes guys’ brains so different from girls’? My conclusion is that, at least at Bonners Ferry High School, females have not fully developed their coolness skills.

Why don’t they have a coolness section on the S.A.T.? Because boys would score higher than girls nationwide, that’s why. The S.A.T. question-maker-upper-people cannot afford such a maneuver because girls would complain, and eventually give them “the look,” and get them in “big trouble.” Every male knows what these two phrases mean, so I don’t think I need to define them.

One coolness question on the S.A.T. might be, “If a person can put dental floss up his nose and then pull it out their mouth, what could this person do with toilet paper?” I feel confident that several girls would fail the S.A.T. if a coolness section were included. Especially since some of these chromosome-hindered people were rude enough to interrupt my dental floss demonstration with dry-heave noises.

There are other differences between the genders that can be demonstrated by high school/teen reading material. I’m talking about magazines like “Seventeen,” “Self,” “Guy Catcher Monthly,” and “You Look Like a Troll Weekly.” You would never see guys seriously engaged in reading about what nail polish would go with their hair and eyes. You would, however, see a guy studying up on how to increase his lethal gas fume output after eating a chili-cheese burrito (jalapenos and cold pizza seem to do nicely).

Lucky for me, I don’t have dangerous amounts of estrogen coursing through my veins, or else I would not have the uncontrollable urge to put other guys in the Nuclear Ninjitsu Headlock ‘O’ Death and give them power-noogies that make them whimper with joy.

These gender differences start at an early age, or The Spitwad Stage. For boys this development continues through preadolescence to The Burp/Belching stage; is seen in the teenage years as The Farting Stage; and finally in adult life as The Teach Your Kids to Belch and Fart Stage.

I’m not saying that girls are bad or anything. I’m just saying that they don’t have the ability to think up impressive tricks like attaching grasshoppers to bottle rockets or making rear-end noises with their armpits.

Girls, please don’t get me wrong. Your gender has contributed much to our society. Without women, for example, we would live in a world completely devoid of doilies. Who would make sure that the toilet seat stayed down? Who would make sure that young boys wore clean underwear? What would men do with all their dirty laundry? Without women, our planet would be a disaster.

Simply put, we need women. They make men’s lives complete and contribute to that delicate population balance that should not be tampered with.

A world without men and women would be, shall we say, populationally challenged.