Post Office Drops The Pass, Burns Seahawk Faithful

The Seattle Seahawks are understandably on our minds these days, what with the big vote looming on billionaire Paul Allen’s take-it-or-leave-it proposal for a new stadium.

But nobody has the Seahawks more on the brain than an angry young Spokane Valley couple.

It’s not the stadium deal that drop-kicked Katie and Erik Koeppen out of the end zone. They are embroiled in a frustrating, six-month scrimmage with U.S. Postal Service bureaucrats over the too-late delivery of five Seahawks tickets sent last November from Spokane to Seattle via Express Mail.

Express Mail?

Excuse me while I guffaw.

The Koeppens should have taped their tickets to a tortoise and pointed the beast due west.

Today’s tale of snail mail begins last fall. The Koeppens, who both work in Deaconess Medical Center’s X-ray department, made plans to see the Nov. 24 game between the Seahawks and the Oakland Raiders.

Erik, 35, headed to the coast early to visit his mom. He was on his way to Seattle when the Nov. 19 ice storm struck.

Katie, 33, was back in Spokane with five tickets she bought earlier for herself, Erik and three friends. Worried the bad weather would sock her in, she decided to mail the tickets ahead.

Katie remembered those TV commercials about the Postal Service being just as “positively, absolutely” reliable as Federal Express or UPS. So on Nov. 21, she paid $10.75 for Express Mail’s “next-day service.”

It was four days until kickoff. The tickets only had to travel 280 miles. What could go wrong?

We’re talking about the Postal Service, remember?

The tickets were later than Elvis. They weren’t delivered until Nov. 25 - the day after the Raiders beat the Hawks, who were well on their way to yet another dismal losing season.

To watch the 27-21 loss, the Koeppens had to shell out another $184.65. Adding to the insult, their five new seats were far worse than the ones stuck in postal limbo.

“Almost in the nosebleed section,” grouses Katie, who, unlike the Express Mail package, managed to get to Seattle in time for the game.

The right thing, of course, would be for the Postal Service to refund $184.65 for the tardy unused tickets.

The Koeppens graciously aren’t asking for any interest. Nor for the 10 calls Katie made from their Seattle hotel room as she burned up precious time in a fruitless attempt to track down the waylaid tickets.

Last winter the Koeppens filled out a standard PS Form 1000 to formally ask for their money back.

On Valentine’s Day, postal poobah Willie B. Mixon fired off a snooty letter from St. Louis, saying the claim “must be disallowed” (presumably for the good of the free world).

The Koeppens appealed. “Getting our money back isn’t even the point any more,” explains Katie. “This is about the way we’ve been treated. This was our vacation. We had to take time off work for this.” Unfortunately, another tersely worded rejection arrived just last week.

“Since this merchandise was not lost or damaged, no indemnity can be authorized by this office,” wrote Milton E. Webster of the Indemnity Claims Appeals department.

Here’s how Postal Service lamebrains justify their rubber stamp logic:

The tickets were mailed. They arrived way late. But they eventually got there.

See? We do deliver. Duh, next case.

I guess a little problem like THE GAME BEING OVER hasn’t dawned on civil service geniuses Willie and Milton.

Tickets are like fish. They turn rotten. Once you miss the event, a ticket is as worthless as a running back with arthritic knees.

So to recap today’s game: “We paid for 10 tickets, saw a crappy game from lousy seats and then had to jump through all these hoops with the post office,” says Erik, pausing to grimace.

“Life sucks when you’re a Seahawks fan.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color photo