Somehow, It Wouldn’t Be The Same
On the 25th anniversary of the Watergate break-in, let’s imagine how today’s very different media might cover the scandal.
The Miami Herald, after discovering in focus groups that readers are not that interested in national or world news, ignores the story, fearing it will turn off those looking for a pleasant reading experience.
U.S. News & World Report decides to put “Best Mutual Funds” on the cover instead of Nixon. Explaining this decision, the editor, James Fallows, says: “The Watergate story is just another case of the mainstream press putting tactics ahead of substance.
“Instead of worrying about the maneuverings of the White House staff, the news should treat the presidency the way it does the scientific establishment, judging it by public pronouncements and not looking too far behind the veil.”
ABC’s “World News Tonight” plays the Watergate story third, after an in-depth look at how you can be fit even if you’re fat and an expose about the American Kennel Club peddling pedigrees to undeserving dogs. Peter Jennings also does a tie-in with the scandal on “Solutions,” reporting how the residents of a small Midwestern town are coping with bills from plumbers.
The New Orleans Times-Picayune does not want to focus on something as “negative” as Nixon’s Jewish slurs on the tapes, so it assigns 20 reporters to examine the historic, economic and political roots of anti-Semitism in America.
On MSNBC, Brian Williams goes interactive in a chat room consumed with Mo Dean’s sex life. On “The Site,” Soledad O’Brien scolds Nixon as a technophobe who can’t even use his own taping system.
On ABC’s “This Week Without Brinkley,” George Will and Bill Kristol treat the subject with withering scorn, arguing that Watergate nit-picking is taking away valuable time that the president could be devoting to China. They say Nixon is fighting a battle over the direction of the country, that we are driving good people out of government with impossibly high standards, and that there was no decision made solely on the basis of money.
They warn that Richard Nixon is being Richard Jewelled.
On “Crossfire,” Pat Buchanan disparages Woodward and Bernstein as “fern bar trash.”
On CBS’ Saturday morning show, Susan Molinari interviews Spiro Agnew, who rants against nattering nabobs of negativism and says there is no controlling legal authority. She nods sympathetically, chirping, “Watergate doesn’t speak to the problems of working mothers.”
Pat Nixon visits Rosie O’Donnell’s show. The two share a Devil Dog and sing a duet from “No, No, Nanette.”
Publicizing his $2.4 million book deal with Random House, G. Gordon Liddy looks for closure with Oprah, Baba and Johnnie Cochran, confiding that his alienation began when he was born prematurely and had to be kept in an incubator. Charlie Rose presses him: “Didn’t it ever bother you, holding your hand over the candle flame like that? Does it impress women?”
On the final day of the Watergate hearings, NBC’s “Nightly News” is in a panic. It goes with a split screen: Watergate on one side and the lack of progress in the JonBenet Ramsey case on the other.
On CNN, Gen-X pundit Farai Chideya calls the story overblown, arguing, “What does it tell us about the real lives of people of color?” Her conservative counterpart, Kellyanne Fitzpatrick, shrugs: “The country is way prosperous. Why are we in a shame spiral over petty theft?”
Joe Klein meets Deep Throat in a parking garage. Anonymous wants to discuss ghost-writing Mr. Throat’s memoirs.
In a darkened room in the White House, Richard Nixon nurses a Scotch and listens to “Victory at Sea.” He is contemplating his future, considering bids for three-pic-pacs from Oliver Stone, Jerry Bruckheimer and the Coen brothers.