Remain Open To Change Through Conflict

The Nightwalk street ministry in downtown Spokane, a church-sponsored retreat for people living with AIDS, and any church’s building/remodeling project: What do these have in common?

As ministries with inherent controversy, they all have tremendous potential for either deforming or transforming conflict.

Have you been reflecting on the two fundamentals for transforming conflict I suggested a few weeks ago? I know some of you have, for you’ve been kind enough to write to me.

Let’s set today’s stage with a reminder:

Decide whether your God is big enough to handle your conflict.

Decide whether your God is compassionate and strong enough to handle your conflict.

Please notice that while God is the subject of these fundamentals, it is you and I who need to make a conscious decision regarding how God will help us transform our conflict situation.

It is God who creates the radical (root) atmosphere within which we are secure enough, and courageous enough, to work toward a dispute resolution that can somehow transform our lives.

So allow me to remind you that certain other fundamental things apply when you wish to transform conflict in the private and community lives you live:

Have the courage to seek out, and embrace, the pieces of truth that other people hold onto as the whole truth, even as you examine your own truth.

Let me expand on this point by retelling a great story, which I shared with you last fall. It’s from “Wisdom Distilled from the Daily,” Sister Joan Chittister’s description of Benedictine spirituality:

“Once upon a time a visitor came to the monastery looking for the purpose and meaning of life. The Teacher said to the visitor, ‘If what you seek is Truth, there is one thing you must have above all else.’

“‘I know,’ the visitor said. ‘To find Truth, I must have an overwhelming passion for it.’

“‘No,’ the Teacher said. ‘In order to find Truth, you must have an unremitting readiness to admit you may be wrong.”’

Let this story guide you in those times when you may be confident of God’s presence with you but are definitely uncomfortable with the interpersonal situation in which you find yourself swirling. Then consider the following “fundamentals” and reshape them to fit who you are and with whom you struggle.

Reflect and act upon Jesus’ startling invitation to “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. …” (Matthew 5:44-48).

Use it first as a call to the transformation of your own attitude. Then offer active, pragmatic prayer for the best to happen to the person with whom you struggle.

Use your sense of humor to keep a healthy view of your conflict. Humor can enable you to keep your distance from the conflict but also to embrace the conflict in transforming ways, both at the same time.

Trust that the other person(s) in the conflict want to resolve things as much as you do. Then act as though you trust yourself and the other(s).

Don’t settle for perceptions and feelings alone. Persistently look for all possible facts pertaining to those perceptions and feelings.

Find the courage to look at your conflict upside-down, inside-out and backwards. Examine your basic position by looking at it in other ways.

For instance, reflect on what one mother who lost her son to AIDS has come to understand. She says, “AIDS is not a punishment from God. It is a test of man’s compassion for his fellow man.”

Don’t settle for the obvious position (yours or another’s). Discover what interests and issues lie beneath those positions.

Remember that God doesn’t take sides in your conflict. Rather, God radically roots for all people involved to be transformed by working together toward a solution.

I consider this list of fundamentals to be very integral to transforming conflict. But I know my list is far from exhaustive.

What fundamentals do you embrace in your own attempts to transform conflict? This inquiring spirit really wants to know.

If we work together, who knows what magical transformation can happen to us, and even through us?

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Paul Graves The Spokesman-Review