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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Burger Challenge Devours Teens

What do you call a hamburger so huge it must be flipped on a grill with a snow shovel?

Is there any name worthy of a 10-pound, all-beef patty slathered with two cups of high-fat mayonnaise, sprinkled with a garden of lettuce and laid to rest in the middle of an 18-inch bun?

The Elvis? Mission Implausible? The Titanic?

Kevin Thomson wants to know. The 31-year-old owner of Oldies Diner, 1006 E. Francis, is trying to come up with the right moniker to bestow on his meaty monstrosity that makes a Whopper look like a weenie.

Until the right name stumbles along, however, let’s call it “The Agony of de-Meat,” in honor of two overconfident teenagers who have waaaay more attitude than appetite.

Fancying themselves big eaters, Shawn Stuart, 18, and Andy Pate, 17, stormed Oldies the other day to tame what Thomson rightly bills as Spokane’s biggest burger. “I wanted the money and the fame,” says Stuart, a strapping 6-foot-3 junior hockey player.

The deal is disgustingly simple: Choke down a burgersaurus in under an hour and Thomson will refund the $25 price tag plus another 25 bucks.

Hey, thought the naive Lewis and Clark High School students, how tough could it be? They found out.

Sawing their mutant burgers into fourths, the lads began chomping and swallowing with wild abandon. A half-hour into the gastric challenge, their jaws slowed as if their mouths were suddenly filled with tar.

Stuart barely finished a third. Pate wimped out after maybe a quarter. “I’ve been shot down by a hamburger,” says Stuart, grimacing from a severe case of burger bloat. “I’m embarrassed.”

Although they came in the night before to examine the specially baked bun, “we never saw it with the meat,” says Pate, a 6-foot goalie who weighs a modest 165.

These kids could have saved $50 had they done their homework.

According to frightening nutritional data, one Oldies’ McHeart Attack contains 17,393 calories and 1,172 grams of fat. Based on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet, this is enough grub to feed a busload of starving lumberjacks.

Thomson, a Fonzi character in a pompadour, T-shirt and black-leather jacket, opened Oldies a couple of months ago. It’s his latest endeavor after a string of failed late-night teen hangouts that closed because of complaints from neighboring businesses.

There’s more cholesterol than controversy here. Oldies is filled with pictures of James Dean, 45 records and other ‘50s kitsch. Non-smokers take warning: This diner is Marlboro Country.

Eating the Bigfoot-on-a-bun in one sitting will take a giant of a guy. Or a little woman.

Thomson says he offered a 10-pound burger challenge years ago at a North Dakota restaurant. Out of 800 attempts, he says only four succeeded and one of those was a 136-pound woman.

His story is reminiscent of Spokane’s very own 5-foot-3, 125-pound Mandy Brown. In 1992, she won the dubious distinction of being first to gag down the chicken fried landfill at Thudpucker’s restaurant.

She won $1,200 for the effort that destroyed a nearly all-male army of 850 bruisers who failed to scarf the 8-pound dinner of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, salad and chocolate cheesecake in one hour.

Mandy, are you still hungry?

This reward may be tinier than you are. But for the good of gluttony, come out of hiding and pit your super stomach powers against this manhole-sized burger.

Anyone who wants to wander down this street of broken seams should call Oldies a day before. You just don’t order one of these puppies like an Arch Deluxe.

It can even be a behemoth cheeseburger if you want. “Yeah, but it would probably add another pound or two,” adds Thomson.

Another pound or two?

I think I have the perfect name for this artery-clogging, vegetarian’s vision of the Apocalypse:

The End.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color photo