Cheap Seats

Thou shalt not covet neighbor’s prima donna

Just in time for interleague play, a good old-fashioned crosstown hissing match.

Oakland Athletics general manager Sandy Alderson tore into the San Francisco Giants after they signed Barry Bonds to a two-year, $22.9 million extension, claiming that “They haven’t even negotiated his salary yet - that was just a bribe to keep his mouth shut.”

The Giants’ response?

“We never were aware that a way to sell tickets was to criticize the other team,” Giants executive vice president Larry Baer says. “It’s possible he’s frustrated that he has the exact opposite problem going with his franchise player (Mark McGwire), who doesn’t want to negotiate.”

McGwire, eligible for free agency after this season, refuses to talk about a contract extension until he sees what direction the A’s are taking to build a better club.

Not much bang for the buck

Surely you’ve heard the news that two-time Horse of the Year Cigar is having much less success in his new role of stud. In fact, he’s becoming the butt of barnyard jokes.

Cigar, who turned 7 in January, failed to make any of the 36 mares bred to him pregnant. Hopefully, the horse’s stud fee of $75,000 comes with a money-back guarantee.

“Some horses that come off the racetrack are slow to start,” Ashford Stud Farm manager Barry Simon said. “Rather than for rumors to start, we decided to go ahead and make the announcement.”

Usually, this sort of announcement is scrawled on bathroom walls, isn’t it?

Contents may shift during flight

When Huck Flener flew to spring training, he thought he would be the fifth starting pitcher for the Blue Jays. On the flight, the overhead compartment popped open and a suitcase fell on his right shoulder. A later examination revealed a bone chip in the shoulder.

Good one, coach - that line’s a real killer

Warriors coach Rick Adelman was assessing draftable collegians when he was asked what he thought of Iowa State’s Kelvin Cato, a 6-foot-11 shot blocker: “Kelvin Cato? Is that the guy from the O.J. trial?”

And doesn’t he play for Furman?

What, no air bags?

Leave it to the federal government to start meddling with your golf game. New regulations being proposed by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration involve golf carts.

Apparently, those driving vehicles that can’t go faster than 15 mph would be riding in “golf carts.”’

Faster models that can go between 15 and 25 mph would be considered “golf cars” - required to have headlights, turn signals, taillights, reflectors, mirrors, parking brakes, windshields, and seat belts.

So it’s official. Our family car is actually a golf cart.

Now that’s hard work

When Michael Jordan was limited to 7-of-25 shooting in a recent game, New York Post dart thrower Peter Vecsey wrote, “I haven’t seen Jordan work that hard since trying to find something positive to say about (general manager) Jerry Krause.”

The last word …

“I think Jim should get on with his life’s work.”

- Packers coach Mike Holmgren, on what he told veteran backup quarterback Jim McMahon after the season