Couples Or Not, They’re Still A Bunch Of Half-Wits

Carrie Fisher helped out with tonight’s Academy Awards show, although she still doesn’t understand why her mom - Debbie Reynolds, who starred in “Mother” - wasn’t nominated.

“I have some bitterness about that - especially after I saw some of the other nominated performances,” Fisher told TV Guide.

Producer Gil Cates left three messages before Fisher called back. “My fear was that he wanted me to do something with Mark Hamill, some sort of horrible ‘Star Wars’ thing,” she explained.

Instead, Fisher was asked to join the writing team that prepared remarks for presenters.

“They’re not having couples present this year, so there won’t be any of that pretend repartee stuff - for which I’m sure America will be grateful,” she said.

Loose talk

Billy Crystal, on hosting this year’s unknown-filled Oscars (in Total TV magazine): “What am I going to say? Welcome to an evening of Tom Cruise and a bunch of other people?”

Keith’s the craftsman, David’s the kicker, he’s the nerd

Robert Carradine turns 43 today.

He’s not going to go, and you can’t force him

Speaking of “Star Wars,” Sir Alec Guinness, who played the wise old Jedi warrior Obi-Wan Kenobi, declined to attend last week’s London premiere of the re-release. “The hype over the reissue of “Star Wars” and the constant demands for interviews from the press, magazines, radio and TV have got me down and my only refuge is to refuse everything,” he said.

Not one of your typical Hollywood hot dogs

Relative unknown Billy Bob Thornton, nominated for two Academy Awards for “Sling Blade,” isn’t particularly excited about the event. “I’m terrified of that whole deal,” he said. “The idea of walking in front of all those people, falling down, having mustard on my collar.”

He might accept it, but no one else would

If, through some cruel twist of fate, Howard Stern wins an Oscar next year for “Private Parts,” he has his acceptance speech already planned: “I’m not going to be like Marlon Brando. I’m going to go up there and accept it. Of course, I won’t thank anyone.”

Movies should be screened and not heard

Director David Lynch (“Lost Highway”), on his films (on E! Online): “I can’t, in words, say what I say in film. You work two years to get two hours and 13 minutes of film a certain way and that is what you want to do that is it. The talking about it is always a failure. It’s always less than what you want to say and less than what the film is.”

Guess his come off the line a little warped

Director David Cronenberg (“Crash”), on everybody else’s films (in Paper magazine): “Generally speaking, I find that most films are wallpaper. They’re completely about nothing; not challenging, completely predictable. They’re just very boring little artifacts that are popped out on an assembly line.”

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