Crush Defense There’s No Need To Make A Big Deal Out Of Children’s Crushes

Chemistry. Fate. Kismet. Call it what you will. Whatever it was, Jonathan Knudsen could sense the air was thick with it the moment he padded into the room and laid goo-goo eyes on her.

A tall, slender mademoiselle, auburn hair free-falling down her back, stood a few scant feet before him, filling every centimeter of his widening sapphire eyes.

Jonathan was smitten. If only he could approach her. Extract her name. Propose.

With his blond locks, twinkling baby blues and a Cheshire cat grin born to charm the ladies, he figured it best to dispense with dating and all of its games of chance and come to the point: “I want to marry you.”

Caught off guard, Tara Maizel smiled, squeezed him some affection and helped him to his seat in his preschool class at the Jewish Community Center in Maitland.

It’s a sitcom standby: Kid’s grades dip when comely teacher makes his heart skip a beat. Childhood crushes on grown-ups can be a healthy, normal part of a child’s school-age years.

Crushes on adults are “natural in terms of it happening frequently,” said Leslie Paige, a nationally recognized school psychologist in Hayes, Kan. “Kids start off idolizing their parents, then sometime in (puberty) they will turn off to Mom and Dad and then turn to someone else, often an older person to idolize.”

Jonathan may be a tad precocious. Romantic crushes are more closely associated with adolescence, said Lisa Early, director of the Arnold Palmer Center for Children and Families in Orlando, Fla. Crushes often sprout from a child’s attraction to authority, she said.

Enter the hunky science teacher. Students often hoist the object of their affection onto a pedestal as “some sort of ideal,” said Kathleen Leighton, a Pinellas County, Fla., school psychologist. “They respect an ideal that is not attainable.”

Although these crushes usually lack a romantic or sexual component, they often come with bits and pieces of the same feelings and emotions adults experience - although the child may be unable to put those emotions into words.

Experts say feelings associated with crushes can include: Constant thoughts about the other person; idealizing her, talking about her, being delighted when she’s paying attention and floored when she’s not.

Experts stress that most childhood crushes on grown-ups as are innocent as the vibe Jonathan has for Maizel. In some cases, however, something more unseemly may be hiding beneath the innocent veneer. That was the case in the highly publicized 1995 incident involving Glenn Harris, a New York City gym teacher who skipped town with his 15-year-old student, Christina Rosado.

Children, like grown-ups, become fond of people with whom they share lots of time, such as teachers, coaches or counselors. In some cases, troubled teens develop crushes on adults who provide them counsel, comfort, compassion. Trouble brews when the adult has a hidden agenda.

“That child is putting their full trust in an adult, and if the adult is not trustworthy the child could get into trouble.”

Most teachers today are anxious to avoid even the hint of impropriety.

Maizel had to reign in the touchy-feely approach she employs with her preschoolers when she briefly taught middle and high school students before joining the Jewish Community Center last year.

“It’s a very upsetting thing how the world has changed as compared to back in the old days,” she said. “You have to walk on that fine line, and what is that fine line?”

Again, these sorts of situations are rare. Most crushes are as innocent and cute as parents remember from their experiences.

Which brings us back to Jonathan. It didn’t take him long to inform his parents of his romance.

Jonathan doesn’t disguise his affection at school either. It’s as clear as Perrier each day during story time. As soon as Maizel selects a book, Dr. Seuss perhaps, he races full steam ahead, slides onto his carpet mat cross-legged directly in her gaze, his face swallowed by the smile splashing coast to coast.

Out of earshot of her rugrat Romeo, Maizel let her guard down: “I wish he was a little bit older.”

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: Don’t crush the crush; try to teach wariness

Orlando Sentinel

Your child comes home from school, repeating sweet nothings about his teacher. He has a crush. What’s a parent to do? The first thing to do is to consider the age of the child. Generally, the younger the child is the less likely there’s something to worry about. With older children, crushes can be more problematic. Children wrestling with puberty often mistake new emotions and feelings for love, experts say. Watch for changes in behavior. Red flags include inappropriate comments about a teacher’s dress or looks, changes in eating or sleeping habits, falling grades and a loss of interest in family or friends. Parents can point out specific limits. No love notes. No unsupervised activities. And definitely no hugging and kissing. After talking to your child, if you have a hunch the tenor of the crush has already turned ruinous, it is appropriate to confront the teacher, inform him of the crush, and outline what you consider appropriate behavior. Make it clear that you will go to his superiors if the matter isn’t settled satisfactorily. Prevention works best. Parents should teach personal safety rules and discuss appropriate forms of personal contact. Most important, encourage open communication. If the child confirms he or she likes his teacher or coach, use the admission as an opportunity to discuss teacher-student boundaries.