My Husband Is Wedded To His Work
“Considering the long hours my husband keeps, and the little attention he pays to me and our son, David, who’s 2, even when he is home, I might as well be a single mom,” says Leslie, 33, who quit her job in a real estate office to be home full time. Steve, a computer specialist, has always been a workaholic, she claims. When he branched out on his own, everything Leslie dreaded came to pass. “We have no life,” she says despairingly. “The business comes first, now more than ever.”
When he is home, his mind is elsewhere. She feels as lonely as she did when her parents, who ran a family printing business, left her home alone for hours on end.
“I get together with girlfriends, but it’s not the same,” Leslie continues. “I feel like I have no husband.”
Steady, solid Steve, 37, was shocked to learn his wife wants to end their marriage. “How can she say I’m not there for her and don’t care?” he asked. “I’m working hard for all of us.” The oldest son in a lower-middle-class family, Steve was imbued with a strong work ethic and a need to prove himself to his father. His dad worked two jobs, so Steve didn’t think his life was all that unusual.
He’s flummoxed that Leslie can’t understand that he must put all his energy into his business. What’s more, when he gets home from work, Steve needs time to chill out. “I don’t want to be bombarded with a million questions or complaints, or have her hand me that baby before I’ve put down my briefcase.” Maybe that’s why he gives her one-word answers, he says.
Still, when she told him she wanted out, Steve was shocked. “I love her so much,” he says. “I had no idea she was this unhappy.”
Learning to live with a workaholic
Living with a workaholic is difficult, and many spouses complain of feeling unloved and unimportant when they are consistently shoved to the bottom of their partner’s priority list. “Leslie is finding it particularly hard since her current loneliness echoes a painful chord from childhood,” says Susan Demosthenous, a Merrick, N.Y., marriage and family counselor. As a child, she’d spent so much time alone that, having to do so now, when she had her own family, left her depressed, angry and confused. Pointing out the connection to her childhood feelings was critical to helping Leslie understand that, as an adult, she often expected her husband to fill her every need - something she had to, and could, learn to do herself.
Do you, like Leslie, live with someone who seems to love his job more than you? Workaholics are rarely cured, notes Demosthenous, but they can learn to give equal weight to the other parts of their lives.
To help, keep the following advice in mind:
1. Don’t take it personally. Despite conventional wisdom, most workaholics are not running from a miserable marriage. They’re perfectionists who find it impossible to delegate to others.
2. Remember that you may not be able to change his work-obsessed ways, but you can change how you react and cope. Don’t sulk, complain, whine or attack. Ask yourself: Am I contributing to the problem in any way? By closing off from Steve, expecting him to read her mind, and berating him when he can’t, Leslie is sabotaging the closeness she yearns for.
3. Figure out what, precisely, you need from the workaholic you love. Time on the weekends with the kids? A quiet dinner once a week? Then, sit down and tell him, calmly and without blame. He can’t please you unless he knows how, so be specific.
Once you’ve figured out a schedule that seems reasonable, prove that you understand his commitment by making room for him to combine family and work. Leslie and Steve agreed that one day a week, he’d go to the office 30 minutes later than usual so he and Leslie can go for a walk or linger over a cup of coffee. Dinner time, he promised, would be sacrosanct and he’s kept his word.
4. Rather than spring something on a workaholic (who generally hates surprises), plant ideas about leisure activities you can share well in advance. This way, he can better plan for them. Again, be precise.
5. Remember that small gestures yield big rewards. Make sure you connect daily, even in small ways. A quick phone call during the day, a five-minute chat before turning off the light or simply holding each other as you fall asleep signals that you still care about each other.
6. Don’t expect your husband to fulfill all your needs. Find something - a hobby, a sport - that engages your passion and keeps you busy.