The Name Game It Used To Be So Simple For Women Who Were Getting Married: Take Your Husband’s Last Name. But These Days, The Choice Is Not As Obvious.

The following anecdote is based on a real incident:

Two women are having lunch. One announces suddenly that she’s engaged.

“So, you’re getting married,” her friend says. “Are you going to change your name?”

“No,” the engaged woman replies. “I like being called Judy.”

Insert rimshot sound-effect here.

It was a simple question, really.

“In this day and age,” went the query in a Spokesman-Review Common Ground column March 30, “why do so many women still insist on taking their husband’s surname?”

And the responses that came in, most by e-mail, were as varied as they were thoughtful.

A few were dismissive.

“Women do not ‘insist on taking their husband’s surname,”’ said Jori M. Bowen, “they choose to do it… It is a completely personal decision for every couple, and I’m not quite sure why you (a man) are so intrigued.”

Some were funny.

“What if your maiden surname was Weiner, Seaman or Coe and your intended’s last name was Costner or Cruise, wouldn’t you change?” asked one woman reader, who requested anonymity. “Or if your surname was Kisslestein and your fiance’s was Humperdinck, would you want your children to be straddled with the surname Kisslestein-Humperdinck? They wouldn’t let you in the speedy grocery lane if you were writing a check!” One or two sounded resigned.

“I have come to the conclusion that the question is irrelevant, a non-issue,” another anonymous woman reader said. “When a baby girl is born, typically her surname will be her father’s. So, when she marries, her choice is to keep her father’s surname, take her husband’s or combine the two… In any case, it goes back to the husband’s surname, whether it be her father or her husband - as we live in a patriarchal society.”

At least one reflected uncertainty.

“I still haven’t made the commitment to change my name,” said Maryellen Johnson. “My fiance says he’ll support whatever I decide - although I know the translation is, ‘I’d prefer if you take my name, but if you don’t I won’t protest too strongly.”’

None of the responses, however, were boring. Issues involving gender relations seldom are.

That’s been true throughout history.

In terms of names, there was a time when American women had little choice in the matter. Up until the mid-19th century, in fact, it was unthinkable for a woman not to take her husband’s name.

This cultural norm involved more than tradition. It served as a form of legal protection.

“In the early 1800s, a married woman owned nothing herself,” wrote Susan J. Kupper in her book “Surnames for Women: A Decision-making Guide.” “Even her clothes belonged to her husband, who could dispose of her property and earnings in any way he liked… In such a milieu, she would hardly have considered having a name other than his.”

Things began to change with legislation called the Married Women’s Property Acts, first enacted in Mississippi in 1839. These acts gave women the right to control property owned before marriage, to enter into legal agreements (including lawsuits), to hold jobs and keep their earnings - with or without the approval of their husbands.

For the first time, women had a legal basis for claiming independence.

Even so, very few tried keeping their own names after marriage. Many early feminists followed the lead of Elizabeth Cady Stanton who incorporated her birth name with that of her husband’s. Her revolutionary act was to refuse to be identified as Mrs. Henry Brewster Stanton.

As late as 1972 the U.S. Supreme Court affirmed an Alabama court’s ruling that denied a woman the right to obtain a driver’s license in her own name (Forbush vs. Wallace).

Since then, court rulings have made it easier for women to keep their birth names after getting married. And as the legal obstacles have diminished, so have the societal barriers.

In 1922 etiquette maven Emily Post wrote that “A wife always bears the name of her husband.” In 1981’s “New Bride’s Book of Etiquette,” the suggestion was far different: “If you are keeping your own name, simply plan on continuing to use it.”

Yet the percentage of all American women who do keep their birth names after marriage is decidedly low. American Demographics magazine reported in 1994 that only 2 percent of all married women use their own name exclusively. Another 5 percent opt for a hyphenated combination of names, and 3 percent still follow the Elizabeth Cady Stanton model.

Think Hillary Rodham Clinton.

And now think of the other 90 percent of American women who, for one reason of another, step into marriage and adopt a new name.

Wherever they fall on the issue, the following women were particularly articulate about their reasons.

“I guess I must be in the dark ages or something because I’m not acquainted with any gals who didn’t want to,” says Carlene Vester Eneroth, 48. “You see, I always saw taking my husband’s last name as a privilege and honor, never something to insist on but something to be proud of.”

She laughs. “Some of us used to say, ‘Gee whiz, we worked hard enough to get that name. For heaven’s sake, we’re gonna take it.”’

Vester Eneroth is a special case. Twice-married, she retains both of her husbands’ names.

When her first husband, Greg Vester, died nine years after their marriage, Vester Eneroth was devastated. So much so that when she planned to marry Don Eneroth, she asked him to do something special.

“When we were engaged, I said to Don, ‘You know, I’ve been thinking - I really don’t want to give up Greg’s name. Do you think it would be insulting to you if I make it my middle name?’ And he said, ‘Well, no, that’s a real honor to Greg. You should do that.”’

To Vester Eneroth, taking her husbands’ names was her way of committing fully to both relationships.

“Marriage is hard enough work as it is,” she says. “It seems like if you can’t be a team with the name, when do you start being one? If it’s not from the get-go, then it’s kind of like you’re always on two separate pages.”

Lois Watts, 54, has been married three times. Twice she changed her name and, as she says, “It was a big hassle.”

Two years ago, when she married Al Hess, 48, she chose to keep her name. “And guess what?” she says. “It’s still a big hassle.”

Here are some of the problems facing any couple with separate names:

People endlessly ask WHY.

Family resentment. Some family members, Watts says, “took our decision personally.”

Embarrassing situations. “When I had surgery, Al was called Mr. Watts - once they decided he wasn’t my boyfriend,” Watts says.

Sexist attitudes, part one. “I am assumed to be an uppity woman,” Watts says, “a radical feminist, a hard-hearted, cold, demanding wife.”

Sexist attitudes, part two. “Al is assumed to be henpecked,” Watts says. “One man told me he wouldn’t marry me if I would not change my name to his. I answered, ‘It’s a good thing you didn’t ask me to marry you.”’

Confusion. No one can figure out how to address mail to a mixed-names family.

Children: What do you call them? (Watts and Hess both have children from their previous marriages and have no plans for more.)

During her first marriage, when she was a 16-year-old bride, Watts didn’t consider retaining her birth name.

“It never even occurred to me,” she says, “and that was in 1958.”

For his part, Hess fully supports his wife’s decision.

“You know,” he says, “this is my second marriage. When I was younger, it was very, very important to me that my wife take my name. That was the traditional thing to do. As I got older, I found out that a name is just something to call you. She wanted to keep it, and it was really important for her to keep it. So I had no problem at all.”

As for those awkward moments when he gets called Mr. Watts, Hess just laughs. “It’s got to the point now that I answer to just about anything as long as it’s not late for dinner.”

Debbie Lawrence Hale was in pain.

The year was 1981 and she was in the midst of delivering her son when she heard a voice over the hospital intercom. It asked her name.

“I replied ‘Deborah Lawrence-Hale, with a hyphen,”’ Lawrence Hale says. “After a pause, the disembodied voice said, ‘If your name is hyphenated, you child’s name will have to be hyphenated.”’

Lawrence Hale, 46, thought for half a nano-second and screamed out, “Make it Deborah Hale!”

All these years later, Lawrence Hale can laugh about the ordeal. “The really ridiculous part of it is that I had planned on giving him Lawrence as a middle name anyway,” she says. “But I don’t really mind, because it’s kind of cohesive for the four of us to have the same name.”

That’s now. At first she didn’t want to change anything.

“It was an identity thing,” Lawrence Hale says. “I felt at the time that it would change things, that it would somehow make me a different person. I know it doesn’t now, but that’s what I thought at the time.”

There’s one thing she insists on, however. She is NOT Mrs. George Hale.

“My church keeps sending me stuff as Mrs. George Hale, and I keep correcting them. I mean, I went far enough going to Hale. I won’t go with his first name because I have my own.”

Maryellen Johnson is vacillating.

A business woman, one who was featured in a recent cover story in Spokane Woman magazine, Johnson, 34, comes from a family of independent women. Both of her older sisters, and her sister-in-law, retained their birth names.

“I have a family that set a precedent for me in that they’ve not only married later in life and had children later in life but they’ve all kept their names and are very professional,” Johnson says.

And she has worked hard to establish her name along with her career.

“So much of my identity is completely connected to my name,” she says. “I’m not identified by a husband or children. I’m identified by what I do and the name associated with that.”

Even so, she’s still “wrestling with the issue.”

“It’s just so hard to think about letting go of that identity so easily, something that has been a part of me for 34 years,” she says. “But, conversely, I also see the benefit in being a family once you’ve made that commitment. It’s a life passage and you’re becoming a family. And we do intend to have children.”

The question continually put to her when she expresses such doubts centers on those planned children: How will they deal with the fact that mom and dad have different names?

“I have eight nieces and nephews ranging in age from 2 to 10,” Johnson says, “and if you ask any of them, ‘What’s mommy’s name?’ they’re real matter-of-fact. It’s not an issue for them.”

It’s typically more of a problem for adults. Especially, Johnson says, in Spokane.

“This is a family town, and one is almost held suspect at this age as a single woman if you’re not married,” she says. “I often get asked, ‘Aren’t you married yet? What’s wrong with you?’ And I react by becoming even more strongly connected to my name and my profession.”

Which provokes even more questions, extending a vicious circle that Johnson would rather not be a part of.

“I guess I just marvel that it’s even an issue,” she says. “Whether you choose to change your name or keep it, it’s just like anything else - personal preference. Let’s just celebrate it and keep going.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Charles Waltmire

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: AGENCIES JUST WANT YOU TO BE CONSISTENT WITH NAME The newly married couple was frustrated. While applying for a United States passport, the woman - who had retained her birth name - was told to change her application. According to the clerk, she hadn’t filled out the form correctly. To be specific, the clerk said she had to change her surname to match her husband’s. The couple argued. She had purposely not taken her husband’s name, she said. She wanted to retain her birth name. Her birth name was duly recorded on the marriage license, they both said. The clerk just stared at them. Finally, a compromise was reached. The woman could apply for a passport in her own name IF she was willing to sign a statement to the effect that she would NEVER pass herself off as Mrs. so-and-so. Problem solved. This scenario really occurred, though not recently. It took place in a San Diego federal building more than 20 years ago. And it may not be so much a fair reflection of actual governmental regulations as one fairly dense clerk’s failure to understand those very regulations. But it’s included to illustrate how times, and attitudes, have changed. Following are some of the guidelines concerning non-traditional name use put forth by various government or quasi-government agencies: Passports: Consistency is the key. According to one office spokeswoman, the married woman who retains her own name needs corroborating documentation. “You have to have a paper trail,” the woman said. “So if she’s going by her maiden name, that will show up on her birth certificate. That way it’s not a problem.” Auto licenses: Again, the applicant needs to be consistent. “The only place that would create a problem would be if a woman changed her name on her vehicle registration but didn’t change it on her driver’s record,” says Suzanne Taylor, a department spokeswoman in the Olympia office. “We don’t find out when people get married,” Taylor says. “We don’t particularly care whether they’re married or not. Or how many times they get divorced. But if they do change their records, we’d like them to be consistent so we have similar information.” Marriage licenses: “It’s no concern of ours,” says a county spokeswoman who referred to herself as The Marriage Clerk. “We issue the license. What name they use is their business… Occasionally, I have men come in and they’re going to take the woman’s name and the woman is going to take the man’s name.” Hospital obstetric wards: While each hospital has its own procedures, Sacred Heart Medical Center concerns itself with one issue only: protecting the newly born. “The process we use is, the baby’s name on record is whatever the mother’s name is on record,” says Sacred Heart spokeswoman Marilyn Thordarson. “No questions are asked. It’s automatically done.” If parents opt to give their baby a different name - the father’s, for example, or something hyphenated - then they can fill out whatever name they want on the birth certificate. “The reason we have elected to go with this particular process is for the baby’s security,” Thordarson says. “We’re very careful about matching mom’s identification bracelet with baby’s during the hospital stay.” Social Security/Internal Revenue: If ever there was a need for consistency, these are the places that demand it the most. Curiously enough, the people most likely to attract attention aren’t those who retain their own names but those who change them. Alarms are tripped when a person, say, carries one name on a Social Security card then files an income tax form under another name. “Many times, that’s where people will get notices,” says Dan Ferrell, a Social Security spokesman in Seattle. “What they’ve done is simply not be consistent.” As for women keeping their own names, Ferrell says, “It’s a common practice these days, from what I understand. There should be no problem.”