Clark Thinks He Knows What Really Happened

Spokane residents are rightfully apoplectic over two 13-year-old punks who went on a $100,000 rampage inside Sacajawea Middle School during the wee hours last weekend.

The boy vandals spent 90 minutes smashing windows, trashing computers and splashing paint. They were finally busted, of course, but so many questions remain:

What kind of little jerks would do such a thing?

Who raised these monsters?

Why can’t they all get the electric chair?

Also on everybody’s mind is the inaction of police who began arriving at Sacajawea shortly after the creeps tripped a silent alarm.

While the destruction raged inside for nearly an hour, a growing entourage of police officers milled around outside, contemplating what to do. There hasn’t been so much indecision since “Hamlet.”

Police administrators claim they’re satisfied with how these Keystone Cops handled themselves. Boy, there’s a shocker.

But it’s only natural for taxpayers to wonder:

What were they doing? Why didn’t they go in? What are we paying these people for?

The answers may be found in the mysterious stained package someone left on my porch.

Inside was a cassette tape. After playing it, my best guess is that it’s either part of an unaired “Seinfeld” episode or a recording of two officers as they waited outside Sacajawea.

Far be it from me to make any claims. You be the judge:

(Tape noise. Sound of car slowing to a stop.)

OFFICER FRICK: “Man, it looks pretty dark in there.”

OFFICER FRACK: “Creepy.”

OFFICER FRICK: “I know. Why don’t you go in while I wait by the radio.”

OFFICER FRACK: (with sarcasm) “Yeah? Here’s an even better plan: How ‘bout I stay by the radio while you drag your sorry behind in there.”

OFFICER FRICK: “Hey, I don’t wanna go in there.”

OFFICER FRACK: “Me neither.”

(10 seconds of silence.)

OFFICER FRACK: “So, ya think the Sonics have much chance?” OFFICER FRICK: “Naw, Kemp’s a bonehead. A million bucks worth of talent with a 10-cent brain.”

OFFICER FRACK: “Yeah.”

OFFICER FRICK: “Yeah.”

(Three seconds of silence followed by muffled sounds of breaking glass and wild giggling.)

OFFICER FRICK: “You hear that?”

OFFICER FRACK: “Sounds bad.”

OFFICER FRICK: “Very bad.”

OFFICER FRACK: “What if it’s Bigfoot?”

OFFICER FRICK: (sounding concerned) “Could be. Or another one-a those cougars. You know, like that one they shot the other day at the park.

OFFICER FRACK: (laughing) “You see that thing fall out of the tree?”

OFFICER FRICK: “Yeah, I about split a gut.”

(More laughter followed by three thunderous crashes and five seconds of hammering.)

OFFICER FRACK: “Say, pass me one of those apple fritters. I’ll let you eat the last jelly doughnut.”

OFFICER FRICK:”Hey, thanks.”

OFFICER FRACK: (munching) “This is pretty good.”

OFFICER FRICK: “It’s OK, but doughnuts haven’t been the same in this town since Winchell’s closed.”

(More crashing followed by youthful cheers and what sounds like the rattling of a jackhammer.)

OFFICER FRICK: (whistling tunelessly) “Yeah. That Winchell’s was all right.”

(Five seconds of silence followed by another huge clatter and crash.)

OFFICER FRACK: “Be nice if that backup would get here.”

OFFICER FRICK: “Yup. Guess I’ll take that jelly now.”

OFFICER FRACK: “You bet. Too bad it’s not a Winchell’s.

, DataTimes