Discuss Feelings Of Sibling Rivalry

Dear Ann Landers: A few months ago, I purchased a used computer from my son and have learned to use it. My son and I have not always had the best of relationships, but things had been peaceful recently.

Several days ago, I explored a file in the computer that I had not seen before. I was disturbed to find a five-page letter addressed to me in which my son went into a tirade about how I had mistreated him all of his life. There were pages of comparisons between the exemplary life he has lived and the failure his brother has been. He expressed bitter resentment that I have not disowned and publicly denounced his brother.

His mother and I have helped both our sons financially, but according to this letter, we have not helped him enough.

I was hurt by this letter, and my first inclination was to confront him. After thinking about it awhile, I decided to simply delete the letter from the computer and let sleeping dogs lie. I figured that even though he had written the letter, he didn’t send it.

Now I am wondering if I did the right thing. Should I let him know I found the letter and was hurt by it, or should I keep quiet? - Sad Dad in D.C.

Dear Dad: While I do not go along with everything Sigmund Freud said, I do agree with him that there are no “mistakes.” While your son may not have consciously left that letter on the computer, he wanted you to see it.

Instead of feeling “hurt,” take this opportunity to talk to your son about his feelings of sibling rivalry and his notion that he is somehow entitled to more than you have given him.

This young man sounds extremely angry, and it may well be that his anger is coming from a place that has nothing to do with you. I hope the two of you can work it out.

Dear Ann Landers: When I was 15, I was drinking and smoking pot. When that didn’t get me high enough, I went on to bigger and better drugs. By age 25, I was using methamphetamines and anything else I could get my hands on. It didn’t take long before the dope took control of my life and I lost my wife, three children, my home, my job, car, everything. I was in and out of jail, became paranoid, stopped eating and sleeping and heard my name coming out of the walls. I overdosed several times, hoping I would die.

Two years ago I called my uncle who lived in another state and told him about my messed-up life. He was working on his own recovery and wanted to help me. Most importantly, he got me into both Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to six meetings a week and learned how to be honest, to love and to be loved.

Today, I’m 30 years old and have been clean and sober for 20 months. I have bad days, but I know they will pass. The rush I get now comes from sharing my recovery with others and realizing how blessed I am. I even got my three children back. Please tell people my story. They need to know. If I can do it, they can, too. - Nebraska Miracle

Dear Nebraska: You told them, and in a way I never could. Thank you on behalf of all the people you helped today. Testimony such as yours is powerful.