Nothing Takes Place Of Trust
Dear Ann Landers: A lot has been written in your column over the years about married couples who cheat on their mates, but nobody seems to give much thought to the effect this has on the children. People involved in extramarital affairs must face the fact that eventually their children will find out.
To the woman who is content to let her husband have an affair - what message is she sending her children? Simply this: Status and security are more important than fidelity in a marriage and you are willing to pretend you don’t know and would rather put up with it than rock the boat.
A year ago, our family crumbled when our teenagers and I found out that my husband had been having an affair for almost two years with a woman I believed was a very good friend. The hurt and sorrow in my children’s eyes was unbearable. I told my husband he could have his freedom if he wanted it. His response was “No. I must have been crazy. My family means more to me than anything.” Now, a year later, we are still struggling to put the pieces back together.
Our counselor says our marriage may be stronger than ever because of what happened, but it will take a long time before I will be able to trust him again. Even worse, my husband knows he is no longer the apple of his daughter’s eye and that he will never again be a role model his sons can be proud of.
When I asked my husband if what he got out of his affair was worth what he had lost, he said, “Not by a long shot.” Too bad he didn’t ask himself that question before he jumped into bed with my best friend. - Fresno, Calif.
Dear Fresno: You are right when you say that too often couples who cheat do not give any thought to what it does to their children. The truth is that it can be devastating. When trust is destroyed, nothing can take its place.
Asking your husband if what he got out of the affair was worth it suggests that you are still very angry and not through punishing him. I hope you will stay in counseling until all the hurt is out of your system. It sounds to me as if you have a way to go yet.
Dear Ann Landers: My brother, age 81, passed away a few days ago. Fourteen family members came in from Ohio and Kentucky for the funeral. Some of them had not seen each other for 14 years when “Cy” died.
All the relatives gathered at my house after the services. They got drunk, told jokes and played cards. The younger ones were dancing the Macarena in the party room downstairs. When they left, I told my daughter I was disgusted with their lack of respect for the deceased. She said, “Uncle Cy lived a wonderful, full life. He would have wanted them to have a good time.”
Some angry words were exchanged, and my daughter said, “Why don’t you write to Ann Landers and ask her what she thinks about this difference of opinion.” So, I’m writing, Ann. What DO you think? - Tennessee Tangle
Dear Tangle: Since many of the relatives had not seen one another for 14 years, they were probably not mourning the death of Uncle Cy as much as celebrating their reunion. I think Uncle Cy would have been delighted that his funeral brought them all together, and he would not have been the least bit offended.