Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Let’s just kill it on TV and then lie about it

I’m trying to figure out why wildlife agents decided that the Manito cougar constituted a “safety threat.” It was up a tree, surrounded by armed cops and wildlife agents. Maybe they were afraid the cougar would shoot back.

Spokane continues to resist that fluoride fad

Just when we thought we had the commies licked, here they are again, attempting to poison our precious bodily fluids with fluoridated water. We must remain vigilant in defense of freedom and bad teeth.

Memo to next president: Keep millionaires happy

The Gonzaga faculty wanted to retain their president. The millionaires on the board wanted to boot him. Guess who won that argument.

The news can no longer be aired during Family Hour

Let’s see, here’s what’s in the headlines this week: Air Force adultery, Marv Albert back-nibbling, Frank Gifford sex and Eddie Murphy hookers. Wow. Who needs cyber porn?

Youngsters have been sent to the corner for far less

In regards to the Marv Albert allegations, I would like to issue the following public health reminder: Biting is extremely unsanitary.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.