Back for a return engagement behind bars, former celebrity felon-on-the-lam Fred “Strollin”’ Nolan has written to ask me for a loan.
That’s just a sample of the spaced-out mail I’ve received lately, including letters from a goodhumored proctologist, a troubled Mars explorer and a man going postal over our sluggish U.S. Postal Service.
It’s time for another edition of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag - the irregular forum that gives my fans a chance to air views only slightly more accurate than a Spokesman-Review poll.
“Doug, you’ll get your $12.40 back,” writes Strollin’ Nolan, 27, in a letter from the Spokane County Jail. “I’m a firm believer that all a man really has to show his worth is his word!”
Somehow, floating a loan to a career burglar with 28 convictions doesn’t strike me as the road to becoming the next Bill Gates.
Nolan spent 10 days on the run last month. He made big news by mailing back the handcuffs he was wearing when he vanished from the Public Safety Building.
In his letter, Nolan says he wants me to buy him two booklets of 32-cent stamps. “The post office is right across the street from you, Doug,” he instructs.
It’s probably for a good cause. With his vast record, the man probably has another dozen pairs of cuffs to return.
James Colquhoun - Spokane proctologist, surgeon and witty raconteur - sent me the following plant sale advertisement he had clipped from a nameless Spokane publication: “6 Inch Assorted Perineals, $3.99.”
This is one guy who can find his work in everything.
Sad news from interstellar mining magnate Tom Budnick.
“Nobody is home,” writes Budnick in a letter. “I have been recommitted to the mental hospital without a telephone.”
Budnick fell in love with Spokane 10 years ago. Our county auditor’s office was the only agency the Massachusetts social worker could find willing to file his mining claims for the planet Mars.
They probably laughed at Edison, too, Tom.
Drop Budnick a get-well card at Bridgewater State Hospital, 20 Administration Road, Bridgewater, Mass. 02324.
Developers may be building condos on Mars by the time our good wishes reach Budnick.
That’s according to an experiment in snail mail conducted by Spokane’s Dave Ayres. Friends in Pittsburgh, he writes, once mailed him six first-class letters once a week for 25 weeks.
The test results were startling: 16 letters arrived in three days, 39 letters showed up in four days, 49 letters took five days, 37 letters came in six days and eight letters arrived in seven days or more. One letter did a Jimmy Hoffa and dropped off the Earth.
“Not once in the 25-week period did all six letters get to me at the same time,” writes Dave. “What were the mail carriers and/or clerks doing? Packing around Homer Simpson doughnuts … instead of my letters.”
My secret post office sources have a good excuse: “Hey, you try to deliver letters on time when you’re loaded down with Strollin’ Nolan’s handcuffs.”
As we all know, waste-to-energy guru Phil Williams is cooling his heels away from City Hall as officials decide if his romance with toxicologist Kathryn Kelly compromised her work on a $300,000 garbage plant study.
As a bonus, we here at Windbaaag Central have put together PHIL WILLIAMS’ TOP 10 LOVE SONGS:
10. “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes.”
9. “You Light Up my Life.”
8. “Burnin’ Love.”
7. “Hot Blooded.”
6. “Smoke on the Water.”
5. “Light my Fire.”
4. “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
3. “Dirty Dancing.”
2. “Disco Inferno.”
And the No. 1 top 10 Phil Williams’ love song is - ta dah! - “Great Balls of Fire.”
See you next time at Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag.