Take A Stand For Yourself
“If the sun didn’t come up in the morning, John would say it was my fault,” insists Vivian, 47, the mother of 22-year-old twins, seniors at a nearby university.
In the last few years, Vivian has started to wonder if she ever loved her husband, who runs a dental laboratory, or if she married him simply to escape a miserable home life.
“We were very poor and lived in a shack in the Midwest,” Vivian recalls. “My father was an abusive alcoholic, and my mother, who had to work as a cleaning lady to support seven kids, finally threw him out when I was 15.”
Vivian bounced from one foster home to another, dreaming of a better life. Marrying John - a solid, stable man who came from a well-respected family - seemed like the answer to her prayers. They met when he walked into the bank where she was working as a teller.
But from the beginning, John, ever the perfectionist, made Vivian feel that she was never good enough.
When she gave birth to twins, Grant and Sandra, Vivian threw herself into parenting, school and charity work, but John criticized her efforts there, too.
“If I’m hosting a lunch for one of my local charities, and I buy flowers for the table, he says I’m being extravagant. Anything that makes me feel good, John manages to punch holes in it.”
Six months ago, John had a heart attack. “His health is fine, now,” Vivian reports, “but he’s grouchier and more demanding than ever.”
Needless to say, Vivian is afraid to end a marriage of 20-plus years - she has no job and no means of supporting herself - but she’s beginning to think that’s the only answer.
John, 49, who grudgingly came for counseling, feels like he’s on trial. “I don’t like discussing personal matters, and I don’t think our marriage has any big problems,” he says.
The real problem, he insists, is that he and Vivian are complete opposites. “I like to be quiet and stay at home, but Vivian’s loud and gabby and loves to make a spectacle of herself….”
His wife spends too much money, too, John claims. “Even though my business is doing well, it’s not doing that well. She ought to be paying attention to these things instead of running around with those high-society friends of hers,” John laments.
“Vivian can’t get it through her head that when you own your own business, you have to build up a retirement fund.” Is it any wonder, he says, that he had a heart attack?
John is also fuming because his wife always made every parenting decision without ever consulting him. “Clearly, Vivian thinks I’m expendable,” John says. “I’m here to make the money so she can lead the life she wants to lead.”
Standing Up for Yourself
“John is a passive person who gathers all kinds of ‘hurt stamps,’ then cashes them in for an occasional big blow-up,” comments Jane Greer, Ph.D.. Most likely his buried anger contributed to his depression, his high level of stress and his recent heart attack. It also turned him into a critical, demanding person who was unable to think about the effect of his actions and words on his wife.
For years, Vivian quietly accepted the blame her husband dumped on her. Now, she’s ready to be more assertive, but she hasn’t the foggiest idea how to go about it.
If you, too, know you need to stand up for yourself, the following get-tough strategy will help:
1. Identify the behavior you hope to see changed.
2. Formulate what you want to say.
If necessary, practice this in front of a mirror or speak into a tape recorder, until the words flow naturally.
3. Give yourself permission to ask for what you want.
Remember, you have rights, too.
4. Be prepared to feel guilty at first. You’re feeling guilty because you’re really angry at your spouse for putting you in what feels like an untenable situation.
5. Just do it.
Expect that the first time you take a stand, you will meet with resistance. Stand firm.
Vivian learned to say: “John, you have a point. I know you’re more of a homebody than I am, and I’ll be happy to discuss it with you at another time. But right now, we need to talk about why you’re so critical of me when we go out.”