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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Excessive Attention A Mistake

John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer

Q. My husband and I have a 2-year-old boy. We question whether we want to have any more children. We’d like to know whether you have any particular concerns and/or recommendations regarding only children.

A. There are several caution flags I raise with parents of only children.

First, because all the parents’ eggs are in one basket, so to speak, the only child tends to receive more attention and more things than he would if he were in a family of two or more children.

If the attention is excessive, it is to the disadvantage of all concerned, but particularly to the child. Too much attention is addictive and detrimental to the growth of independence and self-esteem.

Overindulgence also leads to behaviors typically associated with the “spoiled” child - making unreasonable demands, acting starved for attention, throwing tantrums and disobedience.

The prevailing child-rearing myth of the ‘60s and ‘70s was that children need a lot of attention from parents. Except for the first few years of life, this simply isn’t true.

Attention is like food. Children need both, but too much of either creates a dependency that stifles emotional growth and development.

A second caution has to do with something I’ve often heard from parents of only children: “It was just easier to take him with us everywhere we went.”

On the surface of things, this degree of parent-child closeness may look desirable, but in the final analysis, it is not.

As a result of being included in so many adult activities, the child begins to perceive the marriage as a threesome, centered around him. This family dynamic makes it difficult, if not impossible, for the child to outgrow his infantile self-centeredness.

Also, since the child regards himself as an equal, the parents will have a hard time establishing themselves as authority figures. As a consequence, discipline may become a problem.

Furthermore, because the boundary between the child and the marriage is blurred, the child may fail to develop a clear sense of his own identity.

This syndrome breeds its share of behavior problems, which typically include the child’s feeling he has a right to be included in all adult conversations, all adult activities and moments of intimacy between his parents.

Siblings help each other learn to share and resolve conflict. Only children sometimes have problems in both these areas. They can be very possessive and socially demanding.

To avoid these problems, I advise that by no later than age 3, the only child begin attending a day-care program that emphasizes social and developmental skills.

The only child’s problems in social relationships are made worse by the fact that by virtue of being included in so many adult activities, the child is essentially socialized more to adults than to his peers.

Consequently, the only child is often perceived by his peers as having a superior, “know-it-all” attitude.

A little foresight can prevent these problems from ever developing.

To recap, my advice is:

Center the family around the marriage, not the child.

Limit the child’s inclusion in adult activities.

Enroll the child in day care no later than age 3.

Avoid indulging the child with either too much attention or too many things.

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