November 21, 1997 in Sports

New Here? Good Luck Keeping Sane

Art Thiel Seattle Post-Intelligencer
 

The many recent newcomers to this state are perhaps a little bewildered by the hoo-hah surrounding the Apple Cup.

(Helpful hint: The two teams in the game Saturday are the only ones in the state NOT to have requested millions of tax dollars in corporate welfare lately.

They are already on the public dole.)

For those without a particular allegiance, it is imperative that you acquire one by Saturday, otherwise you will be singled out as a reasoned, well-balanced person with a fulfilling life and thus completely ostracized from the social and cultural scene across the state.

With apologies to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, the P-I offers a behavioral test to determine which side most fits your personality, should you have one.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You begin most of your sentences with “I” and end them with exclamation points.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You start a sentence, but can’t finish it.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You think Don James retired.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You think Don James quit.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You think the Apple Cup rivalry is cute.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You think the Apple Cup rivalry is more important than life itself, although not as important as a fresh keg of Buckhorn.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

Your primary care physician is a Bellevue plastic surgeon.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

Your primary care physician has a sign in his Colfax office, “Large-animal entry in back.”

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You’re asked to name your school’s most famous graduate, and can’t decide.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You’re asked to name your school’s most famous graduate, and pick football play-by-play broadcaster Keith Jackson, proudly.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You think the UW’s new “Campaign for the Student Athlete” is a fine way to raise private funds to upgrade many university athletic facilities.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You think the UW’s new “Campaign for the Student Athlete” is a search to find a “student athlete” on the football team.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You are an advocate for human dignity because you want the annoying singing radio commercials by coaches Jim Lambright and Mike Price to burn in the hottest fires of hell.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You are an advocate for human dignity because you want the annoying singing radio commercials by Lambright and Price to burn in the hottest fires of hell.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You are a cutthroat businessman who enjoys tying widows to railroad tracks.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You would also enjoy tying widows to railroad tracks, but were never good with knots.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You want to go up to your sometimes loose-lipped head coach and say, “Fergawdsakes, Jim, shaddup!”

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You want to go up to your sometimes loose-lipped head coach and say, “Fergawdsakes, Mike, shaddup!”

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You are convinced Bob Robertson and Paul Sorensen are the most unreconstructed homers in the history of sports radio broadcasting.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You love to have Robertson and Sorensen over for dinner, especially if they promise to talk about how the refs are always out to get the Cougs.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You believe the acme of human achievement is Martha Stewart.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You believe the acme of human achievement is Marge Simpson.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

Your daddy has been convicted of insider trading.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

Your daddy has been convicted of out-of-season hunting.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You remember Chuck Nelson as an All-America kicker in 1982 who still holds the school’s single-season record for field goals (25), percentage made (25 of 26, 96.2 percent), points by kicking (109) and makes in a row (30, 1981-82).

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You remember Nelson’s only 1982 miss was in the fourth quarter of the Apple Cup, costing the Huskies the lead, the game and ultimately a Rose Bowl berth.

You probably are a Husky if . . .

You are galled, appalled, aggravated, humiliated and exasperated that the Huskies are in the role of spoiler Saturday for a Washington State bid to the Rose Bowl.

You probably are a Cougar if . . .

You are laughing so hard this week you’ve thrown up a lung.


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