Life’s No Butterball When You’re Part Of This Tradition

For Thanksgiving, if tradition holds, the president will pardon a turkey and he will live out his life a free bird. Officially declared inedible, he will be put away somewhere like a turkey version of Charlie Manson. No execution. Just life without the possibility of parole, or even better, basting.

Unfortunately, the other Toms and Thomasinas will be slaughtered and devoured. And Americans will be celebrating. It’s our tradition.

And all in the name of what? Pilgrims? The ultimate white folks?

As an Asian American, I can see the whole thing from the turkey’s point of view. The truth is we have little or no respect for our feathered friends. It suggests we need a reminder that on Thanksgiving day, the turkey’s fate is not a funny thing.

This year, almost 300 million turkeys will be killed. A typical life goes something like this. As hatchlings, turkeys are crammed by the thousands into sheds so crowded, the animals become slightly psychotic. They peck and fight each other for some turkey space.

To prevent damaged goods, the turkey murderer, er, farmer, chops off their beaks and clips off the first digits of their toes. (It is not known whether any of these are resold for sausage stuffing, though let’s keep that in mind when the weird dim sum arrives on the tray).

Once de-beaked and clipped, the still psychotic birds are fed loads of growth hormones to get big and plump. These are turkeys, not super models. It’s a different set of beauty standards. The birds, however, are so cramped in these airless sheds, they get sick from defecating on themselves. Turkey urine and guano is hardly the glorious brown gravy one imagines with the end product. Still, living with the fumes is better than roasting in an oven for several hours at 450 degrees.

But the farmer cares. This is a major investment, after all. So the farmer heavily laces the turkey chow with antibiotics.

The medicine remains in the flesh, and along with the growth hormones, makes a tasty addition to the marjoram, thyme and garlic seasonings often used by chefs.

But hey, it’s not like they use MSG.

Sixteen weeks is what it takes to get these animals so fat that they can’t stand up and their spindly legs develop arthritis. Imagine the sight of obese, arthritic, de-beaked, psychotic birds. It’s the best a farmer can produce without calling it “Frankenstein.” Yum.

But now comes the really juicy part. The birds are transported to a slaughterhouse and hung upside down from the feet. Then, their heads are dragged through a “stunning tank.” Designed to prepare the birds for a horrific death, it’s more for allowing the farmers to think the turkeys will feel no pain. But the upside down turkeys are Darwinists. They adapt. Many avoid the stunnings.

Successfully avoiding the stunning means a brave bird moves fully conscious to an automated blade. And if the knife should miss and the turkey should escape automation, there are no misses, and there is still no special award, no “get out of jail free” card. A boiling vat will take that survivor alive and whole.

It’s the way turkeys are mass-produced and murdered for consumption on our “feel good” day.

Certainly there are options. We don’t “need” to eat turkey as some form of validation. In fact, people of color especially should feel a lot more compassion for beings that are treated as if they don’t even count. When people of color buy into turkeys, the symbolism runs deep. You want to see oppression, then walk a mile in a turkey’s shoes. You won’t get that far before someone says “gobble, gobble.”

Besides, we have our own celebratory foods. Who says it has to involve killing?

So, what do I eat? Tofu, the white non-meat. As in Tofu Pot Pie. And then there’s wheat gluten, also known as “Seitan,” the other white non-meat. We have a delicious Seitan Burgundy. Both are great hearty dishes for family oriented multicultural celebrations.

Tofu and seitan are easily adaptable to take on whatever harmony of flavors and tastes that a chef can imagine. They are like foody sheet music for a cook’s expressive notes. An appropriate food to give thanks. And it sure beats the taste of the turkey slaughter.

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