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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Don’t use Tom as your model for husbandly loyalty

Husbands, please, promise your wives that you’ll mourn them longer than Tom DiBartolo did. Of course, 30 seconds is longer than Tom DiBartolo did.

I’m sure the jury will be very understanding

DiBartolo is a very lucky man to have had a close friend to comfort him at his time of sorrow. A close, blonde friend. Comforting him extremely warmly. Right there in his hospital bed.

Saddam goes there for relaxing weekends

Iraq has declared all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces off limits to U.N. weapons inspectors, especially his two country estates, Anthrax Acres and Mustard Manor.

You’re lucky his buddy, Peter Rabbit, didn’t gang up on you

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade turned nasty this year. A balloon was blown into a light pole, injuring four. The physical trauma is bad enough, but imagine the mental anguish of waking up in the hospital and having the doctor say, “You were savagely attacked by the Cat In the Hat.”

We deserve the Cougars after all we’ve been through

I believe that the Cougars were sent to the Inland Northwest as a small token of atonement. After the Fairchild shootings, the Randy Weaver siege, the B-52 crash, Firestorm and Ice Storm, we have earned the right to wallow in some good news.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.

Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.