Find Counselor To Help Rebuild Relationship
Dear Ann Landers: Here is another letter from a “cold fish.” My husband, “Brian,” and I have been married for 13 years and have a 12-year-old son. WhenI lost interest in sex several years ago, he tried to convince me that it was my fault. For a while, I believed him, but now, I realize that the problem is not just mine. There is no real communication between us. Maybe there never was.
Brian no longer cares how he looks. He has gained at least 30 pounds since we married and has developed high blood pressure. I have gained weight, too, but I still wear the same size dress, and I’ve changed my cooking style in order to serve a healthful diet to my family. My husband’s weight problem is caused by what he eats at work and the fact that he gets no exercise.
Brian’s day begins at 5:30 a.m. when he leaves for work. He returns around 6 p.m. We have dinner when he arrives, and then he surfs the Internet until long after our son and I have gone to bed. On Saturdays, he talks on the phone with his mother for at least two hours. The rest of the weekend is spent surfing the Net in his office at home. I do all the housework, and my son and I share the yardwork. I thought I was helping Brian, but now, I see this only gives him more time to ignore us.
Providing material things is not enough. They don’t mean anything if there is no one to share them with. Any suggestions on how to improve my life? - The Mackerel in N.C.
Dear N.C.: You and Brian must have been in love when you married. Apparently, that love has withered on the vine and you’ve both gone in opposite directions. You two need a counselor (not a referee) with whom you can sit down and air your grievances and find some common ground on which to rebuild your relationship.
Your young son needs both his parents. Start with that in mind. When Brian spends less time on the phone talking to his mother and more time talking to you, you will know progress is at hand.
Dear Ann Landers: Your Gem of the Day concerning when to let go reminded me of one of my favorite sayings - “The hardest lesson in life we have to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.” - Liz in Freeport, Maine
Dear Liz: The bridges we build offer new opportunities. Those we burn limit our options and could leave us stranded. My advice to those who are undecided is don’t burn it. Leave it there in case you change your mind.
Dear Ann Landers: I wish you wouldn’t print any more letters about crazy lawsuits. Yours is supposed to be an advice column, and I look forward to reading about people’s problems and your solutions.
Why don’t you start another column that deals exclusively with crazy lawsuits, wacky judges, crooked lawyers and nutty elected officials and tell us how to remove them from appointed or elected positions? It would help people realize that they can do something about the incompetents who represent them.
I’m sure you could knock out such a column in your spare time. Please consider it, Ann. - Your Friend in Burbank, Calif.
Dear Burbank: Thank you for suggesting what I might do in my “spare time.” And now, will you please tell me what “spare time” you are referring to? Turning out seven columns a week, 52 weeks a year does not leave me with much “spare time.” But thanks for the suggestion.