Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

This is one county official who EARNS his pay

Coroner Dexter Amend wants a raise of about $10,000 a year, or approximately $50 per inappropriate sexual question.

You might call this an inevitable decline

Teenage violent crime is down sharply in 1996 and 1997. Why? Many of America’s teenage criminals killed each other off in 1995.

That long Ruby Ridge siege thankfully ends

We finally have closure on the Ruby Ridge saga. Kevin Harris’ charges were dropped, plus CBS has no plans for a mini-series sequel.

The secret objective of the space-laser test

The U.S. plans to fire a laser device into space in a controversial test of satellite defense systems. Secret documents also disclose another goal: to “jump-start” the Mir.

What? You mean I still have to do everything myself?

Promise Keepers is a good thing, but before I join it I have one question. Can those million other guys keep my promises for me? Or do I still have to do that for myself?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.