Give Me Apples; Just Don’t Put Them In A Pie

It hasn’t been easy for me, going through life with an immense dislike for the most famous American dessert in the world. People regard me with great suspicion, and I’ve always felt like a complete outcast, like I should move to Antarctica or something.

I remember my grandmother bursting through the kitchen door one afternoon, a steaming double-crust apple pie cradled in potholders, and the family gathering around this thing like vultures on a ripe carcass and Nana saying to me, “It’s fresh from the oven! There is no better dessert than this!” and everyone chanting “Fresh from the oven, fresh from the oven” like they were brainwashed by some apple cult.

So I cut the tip off with my fork and put it on my tongue … and had the sudden urge to return it to the plate. No thrill. Not one single “Mmmm” came to mind. I left them to their feeding frenzy and retreated to my room, longing for a chocolate bar.

Later, after I grew up, there were waiters with dessert carts who said, “I highly recommend the fresh apple pie a la mode. It’s to die for.”

“Just give me the mode,” I would reply.

There are the aunts, the co-workers, the bakers, the party hosts, the welcome wagon, the neighbors at my back door, all shoving these unwanted pies in my face. They’re everywhere. I’ve suffered a lifetime of this. And just so you know, I hate apple pie.

Please understand, I do like apples. But just give them to me plain, to complement a sandwich. Making an apple pie is like taking a perfectly good health food and turning it into a splurge. And if I’m going to invest precious calories in a splurge, it better be something worthwhile, like chocolate or caramel.

And so, to all those I have offended in my life, please accept my apology in the form of some apple pie recipes I invented that even I can choke down.

Apple Shoofly Pie

Here’s a pie full of chunks of Red Delicious apples, bathed in molasses and mixed with a buttery, brown sugar crumb mixture.

Crumb mixture:

1/4 cup unsalted butter, cut into chunks

1 cup flour

1/3 cup brown sugar, packed

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

1/4 teaspoon salt

Filling:

1/3 cup molasses

1/3 cup boiling water

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

2 large Red Delicious apples, peeled, cored and coarsely chopped

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

To prepare crumb mixture, process butter, flour, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and salt in food processor until mixture resembles coarse meal.

To prepare filling, dissolve molasses in boiling water in large bowl. Stir in baking soda. Add about 2/3 of crumb mixture and chopped apples and mix until crumbs are moistened.

Spoon filling into crust. Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture on top. Bake at 375 degrees 40 minutes or until filling is set.

Yield: 1 (9-inch) deep-dish pie.

Caramel Apple-Pecan Pie

Your thoughts just might drift to a country fair as you bite into this apple pie, teeming with chewy caramel bits and crunchy pecans.

Pastry for 2-crust (9-inch) pie

4 MacIntosh, Empire or Spartan apples (about 1 pound), peeled, cored and thinly sliced

1/2 cup chopped pecans

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 pound caramels (12 to 14 pieces), unwrapped and coarsely chopped

2 tablespoons flour

1/4 cup milk

Additional milk and sugar for topping

Prepare pastry for 2-crust pie. Ease 1 crust into 9-inch pie pan.

Toss together apples, pecans, sugar, caramels, flour and milk in large bowl. Spoon mixture into pie shell. Top with remaining crust. Fold edge of top pastry under bottom pastry. Pinch together and flute. Cut several slits in top. Brush with milk and sprinkle with sugar.

Bake at 375 degrees 45 minutes or until crust is golden brown. Pie is best served slightly warm.

Yield: 1 (9-inch) pie.

Granny Smith Chocolate-Oatmeal Pie

4 eggs

1 cup sugar

2 tablespoons flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter, melted

1/2 cup light corn syrup

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped

1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

Beat eggs in large bowl until frothy.

Mix together sugar, flour, cinnamon and salt in separate small bowl. Stir into eggs until blended. Add butter, corn syrup and vanilla and mix well. Fold in oats, apples and chocolate chips. Spoon into pie shell.

Bake at 350 degrees 1 hour and 10 minutes or until pie is set. Let cool before cutting.

Yield: 1 (9-inch) pie.

Golden Apple Custard Pie

1 tablespoon butter or margarine, softened

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

2 large Golden Delicious apples, unpeeled, cored and sliced

3 eggs

1-1/2 cups milk

1/2 cup light cream or half and half

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon salt

Brush butter over bottom of pie shell. Arrange apple slices in pan in overlapping pinwheel design.

In large bowl, beat together eggs, milk, light cream, vanilla and all but 2 teaspoons sugar. Carefully spoon mixture over apples. Mix reserved 2 teaspoons sugar with nutmeg and salt and sprinkle on top.

Place pie in roasting pan and place on rack in oven. Pour boiling water to reach half way up sides of pie. Bake at 400 degrees 40 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees and bake 20 minutes more or until custard is set. Cool completely before cutting. Refrigerate leftovers.

Yield: 1 (9-inch) pie.