This Large Cop Can Two-Step With The Best

This certainly won’t do anything to dispel those cruel myths about cops and doughnuts.

Gordon Grant, a 10-year veteran of the Spokane Police Department, won the city’s first Fat Man Dance-Off.

“I prefer to say ‘size-challenged,”’ says the energetic, 6-foot-3 bruiser who squashes the scales at 281 pounds.

Here I always thought SPD stood for “Service Pride and Dedication.” Now I find the “D” actually stands for “Dumplings.”

“I’m actually a very, very light eater,” Grant says.

Sure. I’ll bet the 35-year-old never orders more than dinner for two: Grant and Airway Heights.

This officer is a real gentlemen. I only hope he has enough barbecue sauce to go with all the ribbing the Boys in Blue will be serving him down at the station.

I can hear it now.

Cop 1: “Hey, check out Grant’s new nightstick.”

Cop 2:”That’s no nightstick. That’s a cheese log!”

I decided to focus my journalistic skills on the Fat Man Dance-Off the other night at the Spokane Valley’s Blue Dolphin nightclub after weighing my options.

I could:

A. Spend quality time with the kids.

B. Visit the sick and the shut-in.

C. Watch jiggling blubber-laden blokes who haven’t learned that gravy is NOT a beverage.

As you can see, there was no choice - and I wasn’t alone.

Here’s a sad reality about Spokane’s tepid culture pool. Reading Shakespeare won’t draw a sewing circle’s worth of interest. But stick a herd of sweaty porkers on a stage and you’ve got Woodstock.

The Blue Dolphin is usually dead on a weeknight. But this KZZU radio-sponsored event packed the place with the sort of drooling mob that would have been happy watching lions gobble Christians like Cheese Doodles.

“You can’t beat a freak show,” KZZU promotions wizard Mike Ellis says kiddingly. “Isn’t that what America is about, taking advantage of other humans’ frailties?”

To adoring screams, Grant out-boogied seven other heftyweights. A couple of the dancers removed their shirts, revealing more rolls than a commercial bakery.

Dressed in low-cal black, Grant mercifully kept his clothes on. He moved like a pro to the pounding pulse of something called “Humps on the Boulevard.” He danced a frenetic hip hop in which he skillfully turned and shook some very ample booty.

According to the police procedures handbook, this maneuver is officially called “assuming the position.”

The police department needs a big belly laugh after an especially trying week.

On Monday, handcuffed burglar suspect Fred “Strollin”’ Nolan danced out from under the noses of his keepers at the Public Safety Building.

On Wednesday, the career criminal mailed the cuffs back. At least he didn’t send the package C.O.D.

Grant’s victory netted him $200 (about 170 Whammy burgers at Dick’s) and a year’s supply of mac-and-cheese. Showing what a public servant he is, Grant promptly donated the noodles to the Spokane Food Bank.

It takes guts to enter a Fat Man Dance-Off. A lot of guts.

Entrants had to weigh more than 250. My personal favorite was the hilarious Mark Costigan, who sported a shimmering gold disco shirt straining over a belly big enough to house the singing Hansons. On Costigan’s head was an Afro wig twice the size of the one worn by Linc Hayes on the old “Mod Squad” TV show.

Costigan weighed in at a whopping 320.

“Hey,” says Costigan, 29, looking at my notebook. “I don’t want my friends knowing how much I weigh. I’ve been on a diet.”

“Really?” I answer, scratching out 320 and writing in 319.

“Yeah,” says the quick-witted Costigan. “That Lite beer really works.”

, DataTimes